Wednesday, 5 March 2014

Dear Alex, Decisions.

Dear Alex,

It is Lent.

According to the kids, it is now 40 days of eating pancakes, I have taught them all wrong it seems!

Although in all honesty, I could probably join them in that!

We get up extra early, mix the chocolate pancake mix (at their request) and chocolate pancakes for breakfast ensues…

I walk the dog this morning, I do not get the time to do this everyday, and it is my favourite thing to do. Especially at this time of year. Odour of freshly cut grass, I see blossom arising, straining to venture into the world, new life, bird song drowning out any other sound.

Decisions have been an unwelcome part of this journey. Placing you in 24/7 Care, sending you back to this environment after we tried you living at home, deciding when I should leave at each visit.

Decisions which feel so surreal, like I am looking in, an observer in some nightmare dream. Only it is not, and after each heartbreaking decision I have to make, I have to face that this is now my reality. Your reality.

Rarely seeing you is so hard, but again, I had to accept this with your best interests at heart. I feel so cut out, cut off, and I miss you terribly. You ring me several times a day and we Skype once or twice, which helps me, being able to see your face and gage how you are. Your hone call to me tonight was one of those surprising moments, when you have such clarity in your voice, and as I ask you what you got up to before tea, you say 'I had Physio, I walked to my room' I imagine this means you walked from the Gym to your your, making it the length of a corridor, and I know you have 2 people to support you. But I am stunned. It has taken over a year to get back here. Losing the use of your Left leg in the Old Care Home, put you back so far. To know that this is now back to where you were 18 months ago, is heartbreaking in one sense, as I think how much further on you could have been. But it is what it is and this progress is immense.

You give me hope Alex, you help ME.

And I pray, and I keep praying for more and for more…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxx

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