Saturday, 8 February 2014

Dear Alex, A Place of Resent.

Dear Alex,

Gales hound the sea, the sea harasses the land, rips at landscapes, tears at shores, far reaching and rain falls, and it falls.

I resent tonight, I resent typing another latter to you, I have written countless letters these past 2 1/2 years. And tonight I am tired of it. I haven't been feeling in the place I should be to write recently. It comes nowhere near to being with you.

Laying across your warm chest, your hand stroking my head, kissing me, just chatting about life, the kids, God. Talking about whatever, it doesn't matter, it is just that contact, that being with you.

A place of resent scorns all. It tears, like gales, rips into my soul, my thoughts, it rains nothing but envy. Envy rain that soaks my heart; and my longing for you is saturated with nothing but the odd memory of how our life once was.

Every time I leave the house, which should be our family home.

Every time I breathe a breath without you by my side, a partner with no partner.

Every time I reach for you in the dark of the nights, and you are a cold space in the bed beside me. Where Esmie has slept by my side since you went.

Every time I fancy a chat, need a cuddle, someone to just be there.

You are not.

I will never get used to this.

I see dads at the school, picking up their kids. The shouts of 'Daddy!!!!!' As their child flings themselves in their arms.

Each time Someone writes 'Date night' On their Face Book status.

Each time, and every time, life is there, surrounding us, and you are not.

I want to retreat.

I want the world to stop for a while.

I want to stop forcing my smile, want you to be you next to me.

I want a different life tonight.

And all nights.

Only I don't.

So I have to keep living this one and believe in more.

Me xxxxxxxxxx

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