Sunday, 22 December 2013

Dear Alex, A Mother's Responsibility.

Dear Alex,

Time never stops, never stands still, allowing you to inhale timeless air for a while, to reboot, and advance.

Normal life continues and as I place the bins out tonight in the darkness of late evening, I turn to the direction of the sea, waves roar and I look up, astounded by the clear night, breath wisps in front of me and I turn 360 degrees to witness a sky filled with bright stars...

I need to, I know, get back on track.

So I set off slowly.

Naming blessings, counting up the moments of precious joy and raw delight only my kids bring...I chat with several of the others at the Care Home when we visit you today. It was a calm afternoon with you, the first in longer than I can remember...Esmie making us laugh, Lola chatting about everything and cuddling you...

It can only start by changing my inner thoughts. A progression of gratitude for my many blessings, walking through the ache and sorrow.

My friend was with us, Oliver and me, on the last beach walk before the vets came, she captured a photo of me leaning down kissing Oliver's head, she had it blown up for me and it is on the wall next to the door where he used to lie. He will always be in my heart and a piece of me will always be missing. I haven't felt the same since he went. I haven't' felt the same since you went.

Breathing gratitude, lightening your gaze by the practice of this. It is not a miracle cure, but it insists you concentrate on the joys, as tiny as they can be, in this life, thus expanding your horizon.

I cannot say I feel less sad, cannot pretend I do not miss Oliver as much, cannot pretend not seeing you as often is not affecting me, but I just have to do what I can towards travelling in the right direction, as a mummy, watched closely by four souls, I have the responsibility of this.

See you Tuesday my angel...Thank you for today,

me xxxxxxxxxxxx

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