Our boy is ten, this is a parental landmark, I feel different. I feel like a very grown up mummy having a ten-year-old!
But my day has subsided into tears. My boy, our boy, and you weren't here to celebrate it with us.
My day was engulfed with sadness, bitterness, that I held well. Monty has had a wonderful party, darlek cupcakes and his best presents EVER, he says!
HE sleeps on the floor in my room, holding his teddy in his arms. surrounded by Dr Wo lego. The lego, which he has received every year for years-being obsessed with it- that he used to sit with you at the table and construct.
He now does it alone.
No dad to be with him and do father and son things.
And I feel so sad.
So sad for him, this landmark double figures age, and you were away from us.
Friends come over with their kids and share the parenting, I see to our kids alone. No dad to play with them, give in and give them more cake, help clear up at the end of having 12 kids in the house.
These times are when I miss you most Alex. When the kids must miss you most. Because the crammed room, even with 12 kids and 6 adults, feels empty to me without you.
Tonight, I just wanted to say on all our behalves:
It's not fair.
Tonight I want the kids to have a daddy.
Tonight, I want to have a husband.
Tonight I am in bed alone, and ache, silently ache, for you.
Husband to me, father of our kids.
I am so sorry this has happened to you.
So sorry this has happened to our amazing kids.