Thursday, 24 October 2013

Dear Alex, A Lesson Learned.

Dear Alex,

As I tap the keys on the keyboard, sip nettle and cleaver tea, I feel plastered to the bed where I sit, I cannot stay downstairs of an evening, as it would disturb you, and if you do sleep, I am terrified I will wake you. It is better that I hide away in the spare room, which has now become my room, upstairs.

What a difference a day makes. Today you have been happy, full of smiles and clear speech and jovial.   It has been such a contrast from yesterday, you even happily had a sleep in the day, and I have checked on you and you are awake, murmuring a bit but perfectly calm in bed now.

What I have learned from how I feel today is how fluid feelings are, especially love. How palpable, malleable and high and deep and wide and long... How, if the feelings come from the 'right place' with a belief and a hope even if the hope is for unknown betters or unknown happier times, a more even equilibrium of existence. I have learned through the 2 years I have been going through these highs and depths of emotions that as long as your soul and heart, ultimately that your love is pure-with all the elements that incorporates, compassion, understanding, kindness, stoicism, the ability to rise above things, to endure and persist-these myriad characteristics which if you define love, you will find yourself writing. After yesterday, I felt abandoned, alone, hopeless, exhausted of any power or energy and nothing but endurance. But even this is part of love, is still resounding from the umbrella of love.

I just need to accept, as I think I do, but in the dark deep moments of the days like yesterday, your head and heart become blurred, foggy and the pain becomes the picture that rips through.

But for today, I have learned a lesson, I am happier tonight than yesterday and we are going to be at the new Rehab place all day tomorrow, which is a positive step towards building you back up again. And honey, you deserve all the chances and help you can get to move you forward with this.

To happier times baby,

me xxxxxxxx

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