Sunday, 19 May 2013

Dear Alex, Welcome to my Weekend...

18th May 2013

Dear Alex,

A picture, a photo of you I have never seen before, someone posts on FaceBook earlier today. I freeze. I usually don't check Facebook until the kids are well tucked up in bed. But I had to email someone, and this photo of you pops up. It is always a surprise how this sort of thing makes me feel, though I should be used to it, should know how seeing you as you once were makes me feel...

It makes me feel like it was another time, another life. Like that one never really existed. It feels like this is all I have ever known-so all consuming it has been.

And tonight, it's gone 11pm as I write this, I took myself up to bed, as downstairs you were in bed, wanting to sleep, and I don't really like spending my evenings with a carer there, as wonderful as they are, I like my own space, so take myself upstairs to read, reflect and pray...

But I am back down, every few minutes, as you call for me over and over, and I am spent. This has been going on for a few hours and I can do nothing, I think you settle, I ascend the stairs again, then the whole process starts again. Your complete and utter dependence on me is round the clock. I feel that as you cannot see where I am in the house either, that you need that constant reassurance that I am there, and call me over and over until I am with you- only with four kids to amuse and see to their needs too at the weekends when you are home- this is not possible, I cannot just stay next to you and not leave your side. And I wish you could only see, oh the things that that would change.

You have woken Esmie twice, who cries and I have to run back up to make sure she settles and is ok.

My body cries out for sleep- it's already been an almost 18 hour day for me, and no sign of it relenting.

Welcome to my weekend!

No, honey, I wouldn't have it any other way, but sometimes I just feel so very, very tired.

me xxxxxxxxxx

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