Friday, 24 May 2013

Dear Alex, 23 rd May 2013 Part One.

Dear Alex,

It is 10.30 am, they call, the Care home, I have to go in. I wasn't in earlier today as I couldn't have been. I must go there straight away, they would explain when I was there.

Stuck in traffic, behind a huge lorry on the back roads, barely blinking, heart racing I just have to focus on driving, on getting to you. Terror, what has happened? I just need to be there with you, why is it taking so long?

Over an hour and I race the car into the car park, don't stop to sign in, race up to you.

Shaking, red eyed, howling, calling my name, kicking out, bellowing 'home, home'

Crisis point has been reached, not eating, not sleeping unless I am there to calm, reassure, soothe. To get you into bed and you rest, to sleep only those 3 hours I am there, the only 3 hours I am able to be there between school drop off and pick up.

Since Monday you haven't been eating, you haven't slept at night. I have been desperate for you, this week I broke.

I have wept for hours, a heart feeling as though it may leap from my chest, break through my bruised ribs and hurtle, broken one final time to the floor.

Thursday 23rd may 2013, I call it a day. Enough is enough I cry and I cradle your head, still your kicking legs, wipe your tears and I tell you I am taking you home, I think 'sod the consequences' ...

You grab me, kiss me, 'thank you thank you, thank you' is all you say, over and over like a beating drum. 'I need to be at home' you articulate this more clearly than I have ever heard you say anything.

Emails, distraught phone calls, all week for me...all who know me have never heard the urgency like this in my voice. Hear my broken spirit, no matter who they were.

This is it, this cannot be done anymore, and my angel I just know I have to make this stop.

But how do I have the final say?

How do I get you home?

We are back in that place... Forced, head down, not finding a solution, not knowing where to go, how to do it, and for the first time ever I am terrified you won't make it, that this time it is just too much, I fear for your health, your fragile health and I fear for me and the kids and oh honey, why, as your wife, can I not just take you where you belong, where you need to be, where we all need you to be.... Home...?

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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