Monday, 11 February 2013

Dear Alex, Home...

10th February2013

Dear Alex,

Snow swirls, pain sears,tears stream, I have just left your side, left you at the Care Home. I, unable to leave for ages in the car outside, sit watching your window, hopingto catch a glimpse of the angel I asked God to send to look after you until I return in the morning. The second I pulled up to the Care Home, you knew. Your legs start to shake, you reach for me, and you just start to cry,

‘I want to stay with you…please’

Only we both know you can't. I don’t know if you know this is not by choice that you are there. I don’t know if you are maybe thinking it’s down to me, and washes of guilt and indescribable internal pain course. My heart broke, I felt it.

Monty and Esmie were in the car with me, and Monty who rarely interacts with you, rarely touches you or cuddles you, let alone looks at you, climbed into the front of the car as we sobbed together, he climbed on your lap, arms round his daddy’s neck, and we three cuddle tight and long and just cry, cry our broken hearts and at how different times are now. Unspoken understanding heard between us.

Then Monty makes a comment to make us laugh, ‘eeeeuuugh there’s so much snot right now!’

Only your smile is brief and as I have to walk away. Leaving you in your dimly lit room, with a Carer to give you your dinner. Your face switches off, it’s like you’ve gone, I walk out tears dripping into my mouth.
I don’t know how to do this any more without a house. I just have to get you home, everyone who sees you at home or sees you with me can see how you need to be at home.

I’m going full throttle this week, no stone will I leave unturned. I’m getting you home…

Me xxxxxxxxxxx