Dear Alex, Too good to be true...

December 23 rd 2012


Dear Alex,

Shaking in disbelief and anger, wiping clumsily tears streaming from my face, I struggle to see the road in the dark, through tears and rain. I've just found out you may not be able to come back for Christmas after all. And after the months of trying to make it happen, and it was so close, 4 sleeps away close, and I could smell it, feel it, we nearly had it! And then the nursing home inform me they cannot provide a carer after all. At 5 pm on Saturday. Logistics meaning I can't contact anyone till Christmas eve... I have to find out if I have to have a registered carer, or if a person capable but not an actual carer can actually do it.

I don't tell you, I can't break your heart, mine's broken enough for the both of us...

So instead of focussing on something to look forward to (without meaning to sound too sorry for myself,) for the first time in a while...I now am flung viciously back into fight mode, racking my brain mode, uncertain and devastated.

I try and tell my pounding heart to calm, my mind not to race away with the negative possibilities, the tears of the kids when they find out daddy can't sleep over, 'sending' you back to the nursing home on Christmas night, I try. It all races, my eyes sting...

And I realise, these knock backs, these finally something's going in the right direction, then crash! Fallen. Broken. Wrung. My reaction tonight shows me I can't take much more.

I just need you home.

I just am staggering on, and I was so excited about Christmas, everyone's seen me with a silly grin on my face all week...I was fully revelling in the good happening at Christmas, the fact I'd have my whole family under one roof...

I have to wait till Christmas eve to find out now.

Thanks to everyone who's offered advice and tried to help, I was so lifted by people's reactions and efforts to help...thank you...


Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx