Sunday, 16 December 2012

Dear Alex, Regrets.

17th December 2012

Dear Alex,

Nearly fifteen months since I sprinted down the beach, waded into the sea, disregarding the cold, the fact I was fully clothed. I fell down, your wedding ring in my hand, squeezing it tight in my palm fingers curled tight, refusing to let go. Waves push and throb in retreat, I wail, shoulders heaving, begging the Most High on my knees for your life... Just don't, please don't do this to the kids... I kept on for what felt like hours.

I didn't know what else to do, I was waiting for you whilst you were in the operating theatre, having been told there's no way you would make this second operation...

And look at you now, I well up with tears of pride as I watch you drink, with some encouragement, a cup of tea by yourself...

You still have no capacity to form short term memory, still don't seem to have the insight the drive or motivation to help yourself, unaware you were once so very, very different.

But yet your love for me feels equally as strong, not at all changed or different.

And it's strange all this. I walk around doing what I am supposed to be doing, or think I'm supposed to be doing! And I wonder sometimes how I feel about it all? I suppose I spend so much time having to get on with it, having to do things that some of me still doesn't 'get' it.

I've learned that I have to try and not think about you all the time, I need to have a few minutes out of the day not thinking about you or what I need to be doing for you or how I am going to do it...

Mitzi's gymnastics show this afternoon meant I had some mental time out. Until my eyes well and I realise you'll never see the kids' faces again, let alone witness what they can do. And all the couples there and you're in a nursing home, and how much I miss you, and how can it be that I'll never get you back... then I try and pull myself back into the here and now, because if I never appreciate what is going on in front of my eyes, feel the pride in seeing Mitzi do her gymnastics, really see things and feel them and enjoy them, then I'll be spending my whole life living through sad eyes focussing on the regrets and grief of life...And I'll miss life...

See you in the morning my angel,

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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