Monday, 1 October 2012

Dear Alex, Time Heals?

1st October 2012

Dear Alex,

I feel like I am lying in wait at the moment. It’s silly to hinge things on dates; but it’s almost as though I can give myself permission to feel the utter devastation of what has happened and how much I long for you…

Time just ebbs away, flowing into memories, fading heartache. But the sting and the pain I feel doesn’t fade actually. Time doesn’t heal, I think I just get better and more practiced at pushing it down. Although aware that this pushing down just takes one little knock, and it’ll spring up and explode…

I can fight the tears these days (well, in public places!). I can fight them, but they’re no less painful, no less brimming waiting to fall. 

It’s equally as painful, there’s no less pain, it is just better hidden. Slightly further down from the surface than to begin with, but no less real, no less sharp.

Feeling like something is swollen inside. That’s the only way I can describe it. I have come through the initial shock, although it feels no less surreal; I often feel I drift, unable to face reality, the vivid, strange, lonely reality, without you.

Time heals? It’s what we all say! But I’m not sure about healing, because everything I feel towards not having you, that’s never going to be healed, not unless you pop back, miraculously whole and well, because nothing can take that away. Short of taking it away, replacing it by giving me you back, how can that pain be any less real?

That’s why at the year anniversary since it happened approaching in 3 days, I am thrown into shock again…

That’s why, nearly a year on, I am watching myself, guarding my hope, without that, I’d be stripped bare.

The kids grow, we visit you. Although that’s changing, and you get to come home once a week for a few hours now. I hope this all changes, for your sake, our kids’ and mine. I will always hope, pray for more. I will never know from one day/week to the next what to expect, what to hope for, that’s why I have to aim high! Believe. Hope.

I believe, as I always have since the day we first met, in the strength of our love.  I see you, the essence of you. Deep, deep down, bar a few recent years which are forgotten completely, you are still there. It’s not necessarily on a conscious level, you couldn’t repeat the lyrics to ‘Penny Lane’, for example, if asked, but listening to the music, you can sing them, and know them. I see you there, deep, deep down. The froth, the damage of the accident, the broken pieces on the top, that hasn’t changed your spirit, your love, your soul, your core. It’s just going to take time for the froth to subside, the deep wounds to heal and the power, the strength of your character to pull it’s way up and through..

Nearly a year; just three days from that.

I’ll fight for you for an eternity, even if you’re never exactly the same as before…

Alex Wood, I couldn’t love you more…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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