Dear Esmie Rose
Four, my little baby, FOUR today! I was rushed to hospital with flu like symptoms, terrified and feeling so ill. They did some tests and told me I had Streptocoque –B, that it induces early labour, and yes, I was in labour with full on flu!! So the start of your birth was intense. But I had you with no pain relief what so ever, and that I was, and always have been super proud of!!
Now little Ezza, my little tiny one, who starts school in september, but is just too tiny for any of this. I am writing to you so that one day you can read these letters I write to you, the other kids, to dad, and fill in the many blanks you must have, being so young.
Just weeks after you turned 3, dad had his accident, and our lives went from living in a beautiful part of the world, friends, speaking another language, a different culture, to suddenly leaving it all and readjusting to a life in England, where you have never been in fact, you were born in France and we hadn’t been back to England since you were born.
And now four, and daddy still isn’t home as you ask me several times a day.
I feel this past year has been tough, so tough on you and I have at times been overwhelmed with guilt that I have not been able to be with you in the way I could have been, had the circumstances been different. Coming in after we’ve dropped the big 3 off at school to see dad in the Centre, concentrating on dad, his therapies, and trying to involve you, when as you’re so young, this kind of environment isn’t geared up for little people. But I couldn’t have done it differently…my hands have been so tied.
And now you start school, and once school starts, that’s when the years seem to fly by even more. Will I always feel I haven’t done all I could, should have done for you?
You are so little for your age, and the bigger three like to baby you. But you are so mature and confident and determined as a person, this is so clear already.
Quite happy doing your own thing, loving puzzles, writing your name, painting and making beds to sleep on anywhere and everywhere. Your imagination is enthralling, and I love watching you, seeing how you play, and how independent you are. You have always known your own mind, and have a wicked sense of humour, you love to make people laugh.
You fling yourself at people to cuddle them, delighted to see anyone who walks through the door. You’re so affectionate, and still get carried around everywhere!
You are demanding of a lot of affection, and I love that you want that, I give it on tap, your cuddles are squishing yourself into me and kissing me and telling me you love mummy and daddy…
You have the cheekiest grin, scrunch your face up, stick your tongue out. You love experimenting with your hair, hair bands, and the not so welcome self-haircuts you give yourself, now there’s been a few issues there girl! But luckily we’re 5 months free now, and the tufts have finally grown out nicely from the last attempt to cut out your plaits…
You have fantastic strops! They’re generally funny and very short lived, I am sorry I find them so amusing, you are obviously REALLY trying to tell me something important!
My sadness for you sweetheart, is that you have no memories of daddy as he was with you before. We all do, but as you were so young when it happened, and such a lot has happened since, you have no memories of him before. You sit happily on daddy’s knee, you tell him silly things as you love to make him laugh, it’s usually, ‘daddy, poo poo..’ and then you guffaw as you see dad laugh.
This is a very different life, but the only life you really know. I want to protect you and make sure I am dealing with this situation the best I can so you guys do not need to worry unnecessarily.
I hope I am doing alright, I would do absolutely anything for you kids, and if I could turn back the clock…but dad is where he is, and we all have to keep praying and hoping he continues to make progress.
Just because he has changed, doesn’t take his feelings of love away from you, they have been untouched-they are no different, it’s just his body and speech that can’t express them as he would like to. I hope you know how much he loves you as a dad, you as his daughter. How proud and honoured we are to have you as our number four child.
Esmie, you’re growing up fast, don’t grow up too quickly, keep hold of the fundamental person you are, funny, affectionate, full of love, determined, independent and knowing your own mind. These qualities will stand you in good stead as you grow in this world.
I love you round the moon and back again, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, half me-half dad, child of ours…what an honour and a blessing to be your parents.
Thank you Esmie Rose for all you have already given us, you are an angel of pure delight…
Love mummy xxxxxxxxxxxx