Dear Alex, reigning in the storm...

birthday minnie jumper and cake with dad at the centre...

birthday lollipops...

birthday baby....

August 29^th 2012

Dear Alex,

And then it hits, like rolling thunder, beating rain down on my back, stomach muscles pull, throat tears, heaves of shoulders, little and vulnerable, tears well and flood and fall, I am on my knees unstacking the dishwasher…

It does hit me like this at times, and not a single day in 11 months has gone by without crying. But sometimes the ‘grief tears’ as I refer to them strike, and it’s uncontrollable, and it’s lonely, and its sorrow like I’ve never felt…

For the person you were, for how you used to be, for the man you were to me, for your arms around me, your voice, your laughter, your funny quips, your laugh, your beaming smile…and how can I go another day without it? Without you like that? But I have to, I have to do everyday without this, and sometimes the missing you gets too much and I feel afraid, lonely, how can little me run this house, the kids, this life without you by my side? The car has problems, the drain blocks, the washing machine leaks, the rain pours, the job interviews you have to attend letters land on the floor and I think, ‘do they not read your medical notes??!' And then the documents I am obliged to send in have not been received, so things are cut off till I can re-obtain the documents I spent ages trying to get hold of, and even longer getting round to posting…

Yes, honey, it does get too much at times, the fear of dealing with life and all that entails with no you at my side, that’s big, especially with four little voices who need things, want things, attention, mainly, and I fly around trying to keep up with the washing, the chores, the paperwork, planning your future care, meetings for you, fundraising and things looking impossible-the care I ideally want, for you, unless we win the lottery, our hands are tied, and I feel so utterly hopeless, I know what you need, what you’d benefit from and I just wish I could wave a magic wand to open up those opportunities for you, as I want you to make the best possible recovery and I’ve worked it all out! But I can’t do any of it…So the fundraising is at the forefront of my mind, and I spend almost all day and most of the night thinking about it, organising things and event managing is no small feat on top of the rest of it all!

I just know that when the whirlwind of ‘it’s all impossible, how am I going to do this?’ hits, I need to calm this inner storm, harness my frightened thoughts, be strong and trust. I’m re-reading that and thinking, ‘yep, just like that Tamsyn, harness and trust…’ I know what willpower and strength that will take, and I never know if I have it in me…

…And then I look over to my sleeping baby boy, still, at nearly 9, cuddling his teddy and in my bed, his turn tonight, and I know I will find the strength…it’s for our beautiful child-souls, all four of them I do this, I have that responsibility and I am a mummy and mummies have to take a lot on board and fight. That lioness protective instinct is strong, and I can rely on it, just as I have for 11 months now…

To have you back, just for a few minutes as you once were, how I long for that…Something I’ll never have…

Hope, trust and patience. Calm in the storm, finding strength when everything around me looks towering and to be at the point of crashing round my ears…I ask the Most High for comfort and shelter…

Alex, even if this is it, I promise ill be strong, I’ll keep it all together for the family unit. We will always be that, even if very differently from before…

A very devoted me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx