Dear Alex, my life becoming ours...

28^th July 2012

Dear Alex,

It’s like clock work, well it would be if I knew when it was going to hit. But randomly during the day I get the adrenalin, raging through my body, it sets in so suddenly, I don’t know where to put myself, what to do, nothing appeases it, I have to ride it out, sometimes for hours, sometimes just half an hour. I know now it won’t break me, the panic attacks that used to ensue were terrifying. I have that part under control. I’ll just be doing something, and a little reminder will reach up in me, sending the adrenalin spiralling in my body. The shakes, the dizziness, the intrusion of it all…

Despite this, today was a good visit. A friend and his wife came in. Nigel is a personal trainer, and does stretching and massaging exercises with you that are vital for regaining muscle and stimulating the muscles and firing the neurons in the right direction in your brain to find those new pathways. He’s genius in what he does, and you love his company, are so at ease and relaxed around him. His wife played some cricket with Monty and the girls, and the afternoon was spent plastic outdoor games, balls, bean bags, giant skittles flying. The kids came away happy today, saying they were happy with your progress. They weren’t sullen, or dispirited, rather full of chatter and enthusiasm for the new things they can do with you.

A success like this always makes me very emotional. I grieve for the times we took for granted like this before, and I am truly inspired and filled with pride at your interaction, their delight and the afternoon passed together playing.

But then we have to leave…this is the bit I always get stuck on…

You’ve had a very quiet week, you don’t seem low, just tired. Your head and posture slumps, and no amount of coercing gets you to be able to keep your head straight, not leaning heavily and drooping down to the right hand side.

But in the games played today, your left arm moves, at the shoulder and a bit at the elbow. This new thing makes me run over to you, embrace you and cry with pride.

I am overwhelmed by it at the moment, pride. For you, the kids, the people that come and help, want to be involved.

When, moving here, I knew I had to make friends, settle in for the kids sake, I wasn’t ready to make friends, to speak about me, open up. I was on full protective 'gather everyone in and close,' head down, and we’ll make it through. I didn’t want to forge a life separate from you, but life happens, you meet people, and you do make friends, and now, yes, I am very much OK with my situation, and open about it. Of the friends I have been making, several have come in to meet you, as I want you to be included, put a voice to the names you hear me talking about. It certainly seems to be encouraging you too, as you meet my friends, it gives you the confidence that I am OK, I haven’t become a total recluse, that we still move forward in our life…

Just three days left of seeing you, then away for nine whole days…the palpitations start at the acknowledgement of this…

But tonight I know I will still see you tomorrow, so I can cope with tonight…

Sleep peacefully my angel,

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx