Dear Esmie Rose...

Dear 3-year-old Esmie Rose, today!

My baby you are three already! The years have flown by, and I have watched you develop into your own little character, totally independent from your brother and 2 sisters, you ‘get on with it’ do you own thing, never too far from them, often playing with them, but happy, just being you. I see already your confidence, your curious nature, your dazzlingly wicked smile, your huge blue eyes. I see as well, your loving nature, your incredible affectionate side, the cuddles that you *squeeze* out of us, and your stroppy one!

I didn’t know I’d have you, you were in fact my fifth pregnancy. But we battled on, through some health issues found in the womb, and saw all that through to a very positive end, you are healthy and blossoming now.

You are a Rose to me, beautiful, soft but with a sharp side, a side that can stand up for herself, and I love that. It is all YOU, all Esmie Rose.

As a baby you were rarely out of my arms, I cherished every second of my ‘last’ baby, you slept fairly well, and still do, thank you for that, I owe you one! You weren’t fussed to walk, happy watching the world go by, doing things your own way, in your own time. But when at 14 months you finally did walk, there was absolutely no one and nobody that could stop you. You do fabulous roly poly’s now, and enjoy the obstacle course races I set up for you and the bigger 3 in the house/garden to ‘kill time’…you attempt it all, determined to do it, getting cross with anyone for trying to help. ‘Leave me alone!’ you shout at your brother and sisters, you know what you want to do, and you are damn well going to do it BY YOURSELF!

As your mother, I am blown away everyday to have you kids, to have you as my daughter. I have to pinch myself to check it’s really true, that I am lucky enough that you came to me, I am your mummy. You brighten me up, you make me laugh, real raw belly laughs. Your little look of concentration as you try and sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star (your favourite), and woop and ‘yey’ at the end (maybe because mummy’s stopped singing at last?) and each time I suggest we sing a song, your look of delight melts my heart. ‘I’m a little Tea pot’ is your current favourite, and as you apply yourself to the choreography, you never fail to make me smile. In fact today in the car you had a paddy when Lola was not singing  ‘I’m a little tea pot’…

You cannot help but boogie when you hear music, you copy dance moves and have been the same since you were a baby. Your God Mother, Jadie Kell is a dance teacher, so that’s handy! Were it not for the difference in countries!

I long to stop the clock, to stop all of you from growing up so quickly, I try my best to spend time with you and listen to you. I am not perfect, I am an extremely fallible human being, and I hope you will see that even if my ‘mothering’ ways you do not always understand or frustrate you, I honestly, honestly from the depths of my heart and my soul, am always trying to guide you in the ‘right’ way, never meaning ever to hurt you or misinterpret you. I am trying to guide you also in a spiritual way, to encourage you to be free to explore that, and hope you will.

When you grow up, I hope I will not be a ‘disappointment’ of a mother to you, I hope my efforts, however wrong I may get them at times, you will understand.

If I am ever wrong, if I do misinterpret you, I am sorry now for this, there’ll be, no doubt, plenty of these times.

Right now, my angel, you are tucked up in your bed, cuddling your ‘dou dou’ with no pyjama bottoms on ‘because you were ‘hot’, and your sheets kicked onto the floor for the same reason. God forbid I should go and try and put any of these back on!

I love you my sweet heart, a love unfathomable, a love I never even knew existed till I had you kids, a love that terrifies me (how can I ever let you leave home, my side even???) a love that is utterly unconditional, a love that will never ever subside, a love that is the most beautiful untangible thing you could ever imagine.

Happy birthday Esmie Rose, 3 today!!

Always live life being true to yourself, my baby.

Love from Mummy xxx