Friday, 4 February 2011

Very, very unhappy ending.

Well my day proceeded as follows: up at 6.20 am for good. Although I had been nursing the sick and needy in the form of 4 children, varying different illnesses, multi-skilled nursing required, throughout the night. Tummies, ears, throats, mouths…you name it I have something for it. However, I am not the mummy who witnesses accidents happening to someone else’s kid, and without fail, always has something for it in her bag, just whips out the right gel/cream/spray to cure the injured. How annoying’s that? 'Oh yes, hang on, he’s got a bruise? No matter, look I have just the thing, Arnica!' Bloody f*ck*ng Arnica. Or 'oh, she’s fallen out the tree and broken her arm, no matter, take this splint and handy bandaging, I just so happen to have'. How can you possibly be that organised when you have kids? Or perhaps that’s it, they’re hired kids, she just picks them up from school and takes them to their real mummy, and likes to hover round schools looking like a Super-mum. That must be it.

After nearly reversing over a cat, the dog and a couple of chickens this morning, I dropped the kids off at school, those who were well enough. On the way back out I stumbled upon my worst nightmare…like someone was playing THE BIGGEST practical joke on me…four, yes FOUR cars, IDENTICAL to mine, were all parked roughly in a row. OMG, WTF..I start speaking in triples again. It is really that bad for me. Come on, it’s early; I haven’t even completed the school run yet. This is what I did. I sidled up to car one, pretending to reach down to do my laces up, which is never gonna look suspicious when I have no laces to do. I surreptitiously peer into the vehicle in question, and I am not going to fall for the they’ve stolen the car seats, and actually cleaned the car + *febreezed* in the process, trick today, oh no, car one, is not mine. Car two, drill one went pretty well, I’ll opt for the same technique, shoes, peek in, same interior furnishings, f*ck, this could be mine. Dilemma: do I attempt to get in? Oh, and in all this I know you’re thinking I could have just used the ‘bibby key thing’ but I couldn’t have actually, even I am not THAT dumb, well…my bibby thing gave up the ghost a while ago. No such simple option for me. Hence my Sherlock Holmes style manoeuvres. I realise, on closer inspection, that it is not mine. So I move to car 3, getting dangerous now, as there are parents starting to mill about and leave. Car three, thank god in heaven and the angels in the sky above, it’s mine. Mine is THE only car with the aftermath scratches all the way round, scars left by my then 3-year-old, who decided to clean the wet and dirty car with some stones. Oh yes, very, very, I'll add one more VERY in there- and please add shouting voice for effect, true story. Very, very unhappy ending. I nearly weep with relief, bundle the three remaining kids in the car, and set off to my son’s school, faster than green grass through a goose…

By the time I got back in from school drop off, I was a broken woman. Tonight, I have my son with ‘the gastro’ dun dun dun dun, my oldest daughter with tummy ache, my middle daughter with still poorly ear and other related illnesses, and my littlest, full of cold. Boo to illnesses, boo to cold weather, and boo to no library trip tomorrow. Friday is usually my favourite day, but a day with four proper ill kids at home, is not filling me with zeal. Sorry kids. But I promise I will spoil you rotten and not shout…! Wish me luck, I may never even get to post this post up…It’s serious stuff poorly kids. Have a good weekend all!


  1. you are still living my virtual life, except it's not chickens I run over, but feral foxes. I know someone who carries A FIRST AID KIT in her bag for some such emergencies. I am luck if I remember to take a nappy out!

    have fab weekend xx

  2. ha ha ha that's so funny! an actual paramedics' kit ?!!!

    i am so disorganised on leaving the house, that the other day my 2-yr-old had fallen asleep in the car, weed in her trousers, and i didn't even have a spare...she screamed blue murder at the suggestion she left her weed in pair of trousers on (fair shout) and so had to pick up the kids from school naked from the waist down. how good did i look. it wouldn't have been so bad had it not been that the day before she had gone to pick up the kids from school in her slippers as i had forgotten to check before leaving the house if she had her shoes on...

    what a coper...

    loads of love to u and ur bunch xxxxx

  3. Poor you. Hope the weekend wasn't too awful and that Thursday will be brilliant!
    I so love your metaphors btw- - quicker than green grass through a goose!?!? Is that a translation from the French, a colloquialism from a goosey part of Britain ( not sure where that would be) or did you make it up?
    Whichever - it's brilliant xxx

  4. i think it comes from cornwall- although i may have made that up..!!

    funny the differences in cultural expressions- we have a frog in our throat, the french have a cat?! we play leap-frog (all very frog related...?!). they play leap 'sheep'...!! we do both say 'take my hat off to you' though...well i found that interesting at any rate!!

    lots of love, just emailed u on bmb, tamsyn x x