Tuesday, 1 February 2011

I actually managed to burn down the public street bin...


I walk towards the car after dropping the two big kids off at school this morning. I open the door and GASP! There is no car seats…someone has stolen the car seats out of my car in the short space of time it took me to take the kids into school. OMG! *looks around disillusioned* And they have cleaned it (there’s no re-masticated food on the floor, it doesn’t smell like cat wee (apropos the little cat weeing incident on my son’s leg in the car the other day)), hang on a minute, they’ve put covers on the car seats too…ok, blink. Step back, shut door, blink again, re-open car door, still determined it’s mine. Nope, still no car seats, still smells alright, and still no regurgitated bits of food on the floor. Better get out of here before the right owner of the car sees me, and chases me off for attempted car theft…I try and laugh it off, but when there is no-one else around to share the hilarity, it doesn’t quite work as well. You end up looking like you have completely lost it, and given my already extremely delicate reputation, it was probably not advisable to take on a ‘laugh out loud at your own joke’ stance here. So I prance off, trying to look like I had not just put my child in someone else’s car.

Now a few weeks ago, I chucked a bag in the bin. We’d had a barbecue, it’d been mild enough. Afterwards we went for a walk in the woods near us, when we got back we drove passed all the firemen and fire engines that the town possesses. Before I write any more, and all will reveal itself, I promise, I have to say a few things, 1) I did not do it on purpose, and 2) I am so very, very sorry, and I won’t do it again, and 3) I have not mentioned it before, as I wanted enough water to flow under the bridge before writing about it, as I have been rather paranoid that policemen, would stumble upon my page, Google translate it and come charging round before I can tell them they’ll need bigger handcuffs for my giant forearms, and put me away, so I do need to write a ‘disclaimer’ note here, and say again, that I really didn't mean to, I am really sorry, I wont do it again, and it really was not on purpose. .. But it was me. I actually managed to burn down the public street bin. Bellowing flames, men charging round trying to put it out. I watched through the curtains drawn together, in utter horror and mortification. I still can’t believe I burnt it down. We’d put water in the bag to drench the embers, and I had thought it was dead. This has been a big lesson to me; don’t burn down public bins. Well, alright, a bigger lesson, you can never, ever throw embers in the bin, as even when you think they’re out, they may not be, and you could end up burning down the public bin.

I have been looking after my daughter’s little girl for a few days. She has 3 kids, and is unwell. Her husband goes away for months at a time (this time 6 months…) as he is in the army, and she has no family here, I made her go to bed, and kidnapped her 18 month old for a few days whilst her big 2 girls are at school (well, she’s going back for nights…I have my limits!). I had a Dr’s appointment for Mitzi, another ear infection. The 3 girls, Esmie, Mitzi, and their friend, were all strapped in and wide-eyed, looking out the window of the car. I stop at a ‘payage’ (a toll bridge thingy, as you pay no car tax in France, just a few tolls if you choose to use the motorway, pretty cool), whereupon I immediately instruct the girls to shut their eyes and look away, only it was impossible to, well wouldn’t you find it impossible not to look at a bus beside you, FULL to the brim with boys mooning you and banging on the window? I was shocked and disgusted, I wrote that for my husband, I was unable to take my eyes off their mooning-bums in reality…JOKE, oh god, here we go, another ‘brink-of-divorce’ discussion…!!! To be fair, it was quite a picture. I am just thankful that my friend’s little girl can’t talk much yet…! Although I am rather worried that like I am now, she will be scarred for life, and her parents will never understand why she is screaming blue-murder every time they go near the motorway.

4 comments:

  1. Funniest thing I've read all week!

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  2. great! pleased to amuse!

    i have really been enjoying reading your lisographies blogs...

    speak soon, tamsyn x

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  3. Dude - good job we're in different contries! I get the feeling if we ever hooked up for a play date the earth would implode! Another good un xxx

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  4. never, ever come on holiday to france...!

    i read your tv shows one earlier on and left a comment. it was brilliant!! i won't be able to do the blog , as i would have to plagiarize yours...!

    speak soon, tamsyn x

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