Dear Alex, Now.

Dear Alex,

My House is now my home.

Where I dwell and I wait for you.

There is nothing more to fix up, no more decorating, no more pictures to hang, no more cushions to buy, making it 'mine'.

It is done.

And now is the hardest part.

Now is the place I have dreaded, now I didn't know existed, now a place of waiting for you unsure if you will ever be here.

Ever lie in bed with me.

Ever hold my hand.

It is facing my life alone with you.

Facing a life of waiting to see if you have progressed enough, are settled enough.

Of people intervening telling me what is best for you.

Only I know you, and I know me and I knew us as we were. You would tell them all to let me be the one to decide, that you would trust me to make all your decisions for you. To know what is best for you. Because that is what we had, we spent our twenties together, having kids, moving countries, depending on each other and each other only. We would say it was you and me against the world.

Now I wait.

Now I am told what is best for you.

Now, I hate.

Because now you may not ever be home, I have no idea.

And that is living through hell in this life.

And my prayer tonight to please God, give him back more.


Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx