Sunday, 19 January 2014

Dear Alex, Our baby girl, Lola.

Dear Alex,

"I'm all alone, I want to be with my family, when did we last sleep in a bed together?"

This is what I am greeted with as I see you today. You seem tired, slightly agitated and we remain, me and the kids, only two hours, it all gets too much. The staff seem to be getting to know you, you are interacting well with them.

As you talk to me now, I see a difference in your speech. A good thing, your language evolving, developing. Although as I come away today, heart trailing, tears in my eyes, I realise you are not the same person anymore. You are completely different, and I have to accept this now, as I do not think that this will change. Despite the progress you make, physically, and I hope cognitively, you are not the Alex of old.

Not the man I fell in love with and married.

The man with the same eyes, yet eyes that see no more.

To not see your babies grow, to witness them growing.

You stroke Lola's hair today to feel ow long it is, and put your hand on her head as she stands up straight to see how tall she is. And my heart bleeds for you as you won't see this baby girl of ours develop from a young beautiful girl to a beautiful young lady.

The clouds at dusk bewitching as a yellow sky radiates their darkness. Their shapes, almost like 3 couples looking into each other's eyes, and I wonder if it is? I wonder if one day, by miracle you will see again and we will be able to look into each other's eyes like the cloud couples?

Lola seems very affected by seeing you today and comes down after lights out in need of cuddles, reassurance to allay her tears. She tells me she misses who you used to be, the 'daddy I used to have' as she puts it. So I let her fall into me, tears running down her nose into my jumper. I let her cry, feel the sadness and stay with her as she falls back to sleep holding my hand.

I pray, my angel, I wish you see again.

I will be in again in the morning, and I will love you always,

Me xxxxxxxxxxx

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