Monday, 11 November 2013

Dear Alex, I don't know...





Dear Alex,

Some days I want to run out into streets, wherever, everywhere, scream at the top of my voice 'Help me, I miss Alex, I miss him SO much and I am hurting...' I want everyone to know how much I miss you, and for a few seconds feel what this is like...That dark, furious depth of 'that' ache I have to live with. Have to do the food shop, put in fuel in the car, do the school run, lose my beloved dog, have to justify myself, bring up our four kids, make porridge, read bedtime stories, do the washing, with it chaffing at my heart.

I don't.

I never have.

I never would.

Because it would never do any good.

It would change nothing.

In life's full-time schedule of life, I do it, a constant ache bleeding inside me.

I know you are there, I feel you at times, I feel like, like it is almost as though you aren't here in this world anymore, that you have departed...Although at the same time, you are fighting to come back, or to leave fully...It is difficult to express.

Even more difficult to live with.

This has been over two years of at times dealing very well with things finding joy, always in the smallest, the tiniest of things. In everything. Reawakening a child-like appreciation for the simple joys and blessings. Being so much in the kids' company, it can't help but rub off.

At times I wade, wade through life, trawl through emotions, grief. Swallow rivers, gulfs of tears and overwhelming sadness. Because despite how well you deal with a situation, despite the joys and blessings you find and discover and count, the reason remains and will always remain-I lost you.

That cannot and will not ever change.

A Christening to go to, again, to face an event with my right arm missing. How vulnerable, how lost I feel without you, and no one can see it, it is not a visible thing, it's not my right arm missing, no one can see my pain and fragility without you.

And sometimes I feel like I should just be getting on with it, forget the pain, there are worse things in life after all, only then I see you and know if you were watching on now, as the old you, how broken by the situation you would be, and my compassion for you soars and wants to tear down the heavens and find God and beg Him to let you see again, beg him to give you back the chance to be a daddy. To look at our four little beings, innocent and wonderful and caring and affectionate and resilient and unquestionably incredible, and say to Him, 'Look at them, don't they deserve to get their daddy back again??'



But I can't.


So life continues on a path of unknown and sorrow and getting on with it and appreciating our blessings.



me xxxxxxxxxx





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