Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Dear Alex, Solving a puzzle...

Dear Alex,

Winds carry the sound of waves, mighty, the stars shine as clouds translucent skim, race over the night moon. I listen, for a few minutes it is all I can hear, and the wind freshens my face.

It has been a busy day, yet a productive one. One lesson I have learned and try to adhere to through this experience, is never to have a knee-jerk reaction. Not to do anything in the first instance, if you can help it! To breathe, to breathe out the feelings that make you want to run, hide, fall.

I assess, I ponder, I sit (internally whilst on the run doing all I must!) I write.

I write out all the negative things and feelings this gives me, how you 'treat' me, how sad I am, how my heart races, chest aches, breaths are sharp and short.

I write from an outsider's perspective what advice I would give myself, I write from your perspective, from before, without visualising you too much, or I will break, what advice you would give me from the outside looking in. I compile my various options, and have a meeting with the CCG (effectively the NHS body who allocate funding to you for therapies, carers etc) and then I think some more.

Today I visited a place. And I listen to my still quiet voice inside, which doesn't fail if I listen, it guides, the Most High, however angry I am that He doesn't seem to be listening, doesn't seem to appear in the way I plead with Him to, guides continually, of that I have little doubt, although I shout and rage at Him...

I write my goals, shirk the natural feelings of thinking this is all too much, I cannot go on.

I feel.

ANd I came to the conclusion that your behaviour, although there is no immediate trigger, that your behaviour comes out of your not being ready, YET, to be at home full time. Not without significant input. It is as though you think now you are home, that this is it, how you are...forever. And it is NOT. But your inner self doesn't seem to understand this and it fights it. YOu become angry, aggressive, agitated because over a few days of better times, you suddenly change. I believe it is the chemical balance in your brain which shifts and you 'lose it', because you cannot articulate and cannot motivate yourself to get yourself better, you do not know how, and the frustration of being at home with me and the kids is so intense, it rubs in your face who you are not. I think it is a reaction to a build up of this.

I explain this to the lady I met at the Rehab place today. I may be able to get a happy medium. Although I do not know yet.

But making some sense of this helps. It gives it some logic. It makes me feel no better, but I need to find a solution, so that gives me a drive, something to work towards.

YOu need help and input with your behaviour. You need physiotherapy-as I pointed out, you are regaining strength, getting stronger, and this needs to be worked on, not lamely done in the house with no direction or purpose. If you went somewhere to do these things, you would be feeding your brain with the language that you are somewhere working to try and get better, rather than feeding your brain with the theory that 'this is it, you're home now, this is it...' And that, right there is it, at the bottom of this I just know it is...Solving a puzzle.

Oh my baby, how tear stained my face is, how my eyes burn through weariness, sadness...

We have to try something else.

I will never, ever give up on you, none of this is your fault, and I am here to look out for you and be your voice and help you.

We will somehow get through this angel, I promise...

me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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