Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Dear Alex, Knees buckling.

Dear Alex,

We made some yummy meringues! Alex whisked the egg whites...

Bright, clear, crisp morning, breath clouds before us as we fall out of the door, dog in tow, for the school run. I hide sunken, heavy eyes and hope the eyeliner is doing its job this morning.

I don't think I can ever hope to put into words what this is, having you home. When I lose you in the times you wail and are angry and aggressive, it is like someone has knocked at the door again and told me my husband is dead. It's a feeling of utter devastation, panic, grief... As I try all I can with you. I've dedicated my life, my everything, every last bit of me to you and the kids, and my thanks is a large egg on my head where you head butt me in fury a few days ago...one of the many incidents. So with the knock on the door feelings, I try and console an inconsolable stranger in front of me who apparently detests me...I start to resent, feel you are draining me of everything I have, and soon I won't even be able to have the energy for the kids- and I know you would be the first to tell me to put them first.

I feel worn out, I don't sleep well either as Mitzi and Esmie wake several times, and I lie awake for hours, dreading any noise that may wake you and set the cycle of inconsolable wailing off again.

I worry constantly about the kids. It could be them, the times when you lash out. What if you caught them? It could be so very serious. I worry that their witnessing it will disturb them and affect them permanently.

I cry as Monty clings to me in tears begging me to stay at home with me and not go to school. Our little boy, just that-a little boy- as he wipes tears on my coat, buries his face in my tummy. Lola is off school already with 'tummy ache'...And I spin, my head, my thoughts, my feelings, as I try to work out what is going on.

I think my lioness instinct kicked in again this morning, seeing the kids as upset as they were, knowing the days we have passed since Friday. There's no let up...it continues in this vein. And I do not know when we will pass through the other side-if at all?

SO I call a meeting with the PCT, the district nurse who are heavily involved in caring for you.

I have to consider all options. I want you to stay at home. I hope there will be some compromise, some solution.

The chest pains I have had and numb left arm sent me rushing to the Dr today-an ECG shows a very slow, but otherwise normal heart beat, so I am reassured. But I know the strain I am under, and I know no one could take it, and I have to act before it is too late...

You shout downstairs, I have the kids tucked up in bed finally. You will wake them if you carry on...

I am so tired.

I have to find some other solution.

I know you have amazing potential, physically you are really regaining strength, and this is so positive. I am looking to see if there is a rehab centre you could be a day patient at. That way you would still be living at home and I wouldn't have the guilt, the terror of you being confused, alone, without your family...I just couldn't do that.

Please God, I pray a solution is reached, and soon...I feel my knees buckling.

me xxxxxxxxx

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