Dear Alex, Today I needed you...

Dear Alex,


Window open, I hear the wind, strong, the darkness outside and I can hear the sea tonight, the wind must be in the right direction.

I have just got the kids to bed, and didn't read tonight with them, so I sit here with guilt weighing upon me. I was too low. Eyes too tired, head spinning too much, I needed to shut myself away in the room I do not share with you upstairs and write to my imaginary you, my you who used to be sat there next to me, to comfort, console and care. The imaginary you I write to now, although I will never pass these letters on to you, because you are gone, that you is gone...eons ago it feels.

The Care agency currently providing your care, pulled out this morning, giving two weeks' notice. I, and the CCG, (your mum too is trying what she can too) now have to frantically find a Care agency who can fulfil the role of providing care for you. I imagine there were several reasons, but their pulling out makes me question me, and I become very down on myself. That is until I speak to one of your Care commissioning nurses. Who reassures me she would be just the same, and I should not change. I insist that care is given alongside aiding you, not care given, doing everything for you, all the time. I am present, I encourage, advise and correct a great deal, but that's because I have extremely high expectations and standards and values for you...And this is all about you. So after being winded by the news just after the school run, I sit for a while, ponder how I am and then look at why, and ask myself should I, or would I change? ...

...And no, no I will not, because I am caring and providing for my family-you and the four children-and what I do for you, and all the idiosyncrasies of you as a person, how to be with you, encourage you and get the best out of you, is paramount, as it should be. I am on the hunt for another agency now- no small feat.

In amongst this, I am still trying to do speech therapy with you, physio with you, cook for you, clean up eternally after you, not just you, but the four kids too. Four sets of homework, four sets of reading, four sets of letters from school that need addressing, four bedtimes...And then our dog, who had to be taken in again today to the vets (third time in a week) as he has an eye abscess and it needed operating on!

...

Today I needed you with my whole being, to take something off my hands, or to just give me a cuddle, or even to ask 'are you alright, babes?'

How I ache for you to care about me.

Long to hear you ask if I am ok, or how my day has been...

Crave your eyes to see me and your arms to reach out to me.

Today,

Today I needed you.

More than normal, all day I cried, tears would well and spill over, with no control.

Because today I needed you.


me xxxxxxxxxxx