Tuesday, 8 October 2013

Dear Alex, A Stranger...

Dear Alex,

Grey skies, drizzly day, only here, here I don;t mind it at all, I still feel the openness of living by the sea. This morning's walk to school, very different from yesterday's, as I smile, the kids chatter, I walk with my friend and her two kids, as we have done each school day since the beginning of term. How blessed I am that my neighbour has become a friend, a dog walk partner and the school runs are done with her and her beautiful kids, same ages as Mitzi and Esmie.

Sunday night, after the beach, something triggered, and I lost you, you found it difficult to get to sleep- it is as though your brain is no longer able to switch itself off to sleep, and I cannot work out why. The following morning, with a 5am start, I try for a couple of hours to quiet and calm you, anxious you do not wake the kids with your noise and cries. Then most of Monday until your parents arrive at 2pm, you cry and become frustrated and angry. I knew it was a day I would not be able to get through to you, there are days such as this, it was not your cry when you are confused and upset, genuinely upset by your awareness, it is the cry I her all to often of a man I do not know- a stranger, a person I look after but cannot console or get through to, thus I walk to school, head bowed, lola clinging on to me, in tears, trying to 'pull myself together'.

And then today, you are a breeze, you are calm, fun, jovial, happy...no tears, just a lovely, calm you. Now you sleep, the kids finally do too, and so I type.

I type my thoughts, my full mind and my tired eyes out on screen. To help me, to record all of this, each day as a record for one day when you are maybe recovered enough to want to know where these years went.

Printer churns out a calendar, where I will mark down everything, from your sleep, to your diet, your habits, your moods, what we did and when, to see if I can make some sense out of the times I 'lose' you. See if there are triggers...Hoping to discover and understand this new you, and whether there are things I can do to avoid the awful times that make my heart stop beating life, it beats through palpitations and ache and stress.

There appointments everyday, whether it be Physio, nurses, OT, wheel chair adjustments, medication reviews, speech therapy, there are so may things to achieve in a day with you home.

Today, my angel, today was a good day.

I will hold on tight to today, as I learn to take each day, each hour even, as it comes. Being glad in the moment, grateful for all and repeat like running water through my soul and conscious mind, my blessings and beautiful things, today is one...

Sleep well, sleep thoroughly, sleep long...

me xxxxxxxxx

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