Dear Alex, Sinking in...

Dear Alex,

Iced gems, glass of wine, I have finally settled you, Alex.

It's not that you are distressed in the sense that you are angry, confused, it is more that you need constant reassurance of my presence, even when I'm on your lap. Constant calling, and if I'm not by your side for a few seconds it's 'where's Tamsyn?'. Two hours to settle you to sleep tonight, I sit with you, stroke your head, reassure you of my presence. You groan. It's just noise, not meaning anything in particular, it's just a noise you make. Two hours has been a record this week, it was 5 the other night.

Carers come and go. I've been irate, reviewing the care plan is happening already, on Monday. It's just too much, too many people, too many times and I do most things for you anyway, am your comfort, motivator, stability, and the only one who understands you. It does become infuriating that people seem to be in the house endlessly just sitting. Then swopping over for the next person to come in and do the same.

I realise there will be teething problems. I bite back the reality call, that this is it. Hold back the tears when someone says in their experience brain injury patients can seem to make good progress then regress and not move forward from there. 

Trying to remain positive and strong and loving and accepting of already 10 or more strangers who have been and gone out of our home in the last 48 hours.

I look at your sleeping face, I sleep on our left hand side which is, by coincidence, a healing element for you, as you naturally turn your head towards me in the night, as it has the tendency to droop towards the right, this is strengthening the muscles which have tightened and shortened on the right hand side.

You haven't asked once 'when am I coming home?' Clearly you understand that you are, no reminders needed, which in itself shows progress.

'Give me a cuddle' the first words from your lips this morning...again, a realisation, a deep understanding even when you wake first thing in the morning, of where you are. Yesterday morning was 'where am I?' It is already sinking in.

I just have to grit my teeth and bear this bit...

When I look at you, sleeping in your own bed, next to me, I know it is all worth it!

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx