Dear Alex, Home...

Dear Alex,

One arm behind your head, breathing deeply, you sleep. 

In our bed.

Not alone in a care home, in our bed, in our home in our new life together.

Arriving safely on September 4th, 2 days after I arrived. Amidst the unpacking, losing the dog, having to collect him some hours later from a vets as he had been handed in! The kids have gone off for a while to stay with my uncle and aunt, so you have quiet adapting time. 

Several carers have been and gone, 24 hours and 6 hour shifts, doubling up for an hour or so four times a day...my head is spinning, this bit is hard...this evening I find myself exhausted. I do hate this part, the intrusion, the energy one must invest in sharing the 'how did he get like this?' Story, the corrections of 'no, please just assist Alex, don't do it for him' mantra that I should just have tattooed on me somewhere to save me from repeating myself dozens of times a day. The 'does he like weetabix?' Comments...'ask Alex, he will tell you what he likes, what he doesn't!' It is hard not to be resentful and become angry and snap and snipe...very hard. But I bite my tongue, breathe and thank God you are home and for the people who are carers which is how I get to have you home, with their help.

I don't know if it is the lack of dignity, the fact that reality of real life and care and how if I thought I worked hard when you were in the care home...my God I knew nothing of that compared to what it is like with you at home!

But it is different, it is not empty hard work, there aren't the battles I would have daily, 'why have you left him like this? Why was no one responding to Alex when he was calling you? ' The pile of T shirts you tore off your upper body in distress because no one came to you..which speaks volumes in its ripped, scrumpled up and shoved into a bag forgotten about state...

I feel open. I can breathe, the house is a dream house! I'm rather shell shocked at the moment, but it is all for the good of the rest of our lives. And after the lorry load, full to the brim and bursting, I am never doing that again!

The house is roughly organised, just to sort through drawers now, everything else unpacked, in it's place.

Wonderful neighbours surround, and I cannot believe what it is like, I am home...not just you Alex, but me too! 

We are home...

We did it baby, and I am so proud, so tired and in bed beside you...as I wrote this sentence, you sleep talk 'love you Tamsyn, love you, I love you Tamsyn' 

I love you too my angel

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx