Thursday, 26 September 2013

Dear ALex, But for now...

Dear Alex,

Past few days have seen a slight change, more settling, maybe even a pattern to your 'times' of crying, becoming anxious and apparently lost to this world. When the kids and we have our tea together, through till you go to bed around 8pm, then you do not settle till around 11pm. you wake again, always, at 4am, mostly till I give up, unable to sleep with my heart racing, wondering if you will be aggressive, shout, wake all the kids (although they seem to sleep through it mostly now, thankfully.

I now have learned that I cannot reason with you and in my mind I have you as 'the Alex lost in brain injury and damage'

there are other times, the last few days, where you sob, big gut filled sobs, crying out that it is 'sh*t living like this' that you 'wish I could life would be so much easier if I could see...I want to see...' And then the, 'life is b*ll**ks, who wants to live like this, I am so angry at living like this...'

It shows amazing comprehension and insight, and I reassure you saying the following four sentences over to you, cuddling your head, kissing your tear stained cheek,

'I love you, I believe in you, this is not forever, you WILL get through all of this, becoming stronger'

Urging you to remember this, as your short term memory means you forget and counsel or positive mantras you could harness to help you...

I have felt slightly more settled, with a deep lingering sadness I am able to conceal for the most part.

I am throwing myself into writing up ideas, plans, activities the carers can do with you. Searching for aids which may help you.

Baking three cakes for Mitzi's birthday tomorrow, the house, but the animals are quiet, you have been tired, sleepy today, and I enjoy rolling out the icing, planning her party, being a mummy, baking late in the evening with my dog and the cats for company, a house asleep...It is amazing what a few 'normal' times can do for you, and I am learning I must, at times, block out any thought of sorrow, of you, of the dread I feel at going to bed, not knowing when and how you will wake...Which is why, for now, I sleep each night upstairs with the kids, I need this space. The room is quiet, it gives me peace of mind to sleep, rather than lying next to you, as I so desperately crave, waking every few minutes over any sound, terrified you will wake and the day will begin again.

I am trying to exercise hope, that this IS not forever, and day we will sleep in the same bed... happily...

But for now...

I sleep alone.

me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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