Thursday, 22 August 2013

Dear Esmie Rose, Birthday number 5!

Dear Esmie Rose,

Your pink lips pout, one arm behind your head, your chest moves up and down slowly as you breathe and sleep.

I cannot believe you, my baby, our last born, are five-years-old today.

Spiderman mad, you dress in nothing but spiderman trousers, and spiderman T-shirts. The only other outfit you have donned in the past few months is your brother's school shorts and a Minnie mouse T-shirt.

You are hilarious, in everything you do. You strut, you do not walk, when you run you are determined and head back, shoulders back, you speed away! YOur personality is the same as it has been always- so prevalent from a tiny baby. You love to make people laugh, you always succeed, but then again I think you always will in whatever you put your mind to. Because it is YOU who decides, you who makes the call, you who does what you want to do. YOu set yourself a task and you accomplish it, and you do not give in, even through the frustration and sometimes an 'I CAN'T DO IT!!' screaming paddy, you will pick whatever it is you were trying to do back up, and keep doing it until it is achieved. You certainly are the most independent out of all your siblings.

The smallest, by a long way in your class, you are so small for your age, but I am happy- I still get to carry you around a lot, my little limpet!

You are so smiley, so stroppy, so loveable and so loving.

I think, what has happened to Dad has had a different effect on you than for the others. Just turned 3, your world suddenly changed, and you didn't really understand where your daddy had suddenly gone. Too young to express this in words, not old enough, perhaps, to understand my explanations. You have no memory of him as he was before, you are the only one in the family who doesn't. It is strange to think that unlike the rest of us, you never really knew your daddy for who he was or how he was before. And yet, how you have adapted, it is remarkably. No wonder you push yourself, you are so resilient and I think what you have been through has given you the gift of perseverance, endurance and patience. How strong you are as a person, a tiny person...And how far those qualities will carry you. It is staggering how much you have been though and how you are still a little girl-happy, full of love and cuddles and character and smiles, big beaming smiles that light up your face and as your bright blue eyes shine-my soul embraces yours.

You are feisty and you stand up for yourself- use these as qualities, to your advantage, do not let them rule you negatively.

My little bundle of spiderman outfit fun and laughter and delight, how blessed daddy and I were to have you given to us as our daughter.

One of my reasons for getting out of bed in the morning, one of my reasons I am me, one of my reasons I know myself better, one of my reasons for being, trying to be a better person.

Esmie Rose, I love you to the stars, through all the planets and back again.

I am sorry for the times I may have let you down, I am sure there will be more times you may feel this of me. Let me say I am sorry, let me make mistakes, acknowledge them, apologise, and let me in always.

I feel that first year daddy had his accident was one of those years, I didn't have the time to make the most of your last year at home. I would bring you in every day to visit daddy, and I felt nothing but guilt. I couldn't not see dad, I therefore always felt I was letting you down. But if I didn't see daddy, I would have been letting him down and he wouldn't be making the progress he is, and he wants to get back to you and be a father to you again, I know he does, and I need to be there for him to support him through the tragedy that hit him. But I tried to do one thing a day with you, however small, just you and me...I will always feel guilt though.

Sweetheart, growing up without a dad in the traditional sense of the role the father takes on has been heartache for me, although through your smile and your wit and your cuddles, you have made me see, you do incredibly given the circumstances.

I love you my angel ...

Happy Birthday my big little 5-year-old girl!

mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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