Saturday, 17 August 2013

Dear Alex, Fear and guilt...

once upon a time....

Dear Alex,

Fears creep, twist, silently at first, dismissed at first. Then tiredness, guilt, feed them and they regain strength, nourish themselves on the less silent 'what if's?' 'How will I?'s...

Two years I have been in agony....

What if you can't control your anger, you go through another of 'those' phases. unspeakably painful, lonely, exhausting. terrifying for me, those soulful kids of ours.

What if the operation does not work?

What if the kids feel I have left them, as I am so much caught up with you- that I have moved them, made them start again, and they feel they have lost their security, their friends, their daddy and their mummy?

How will I deal with the guilt?

How will they know I love them and I am doing what I believe is best...?

Will they hate me? Blame me? Silently, and it will grow and one day they will turn round and point out all the wrong I did?

I have lost you to all intents and purposes, will I lose them too?

What if the new carers are not your type of person?

What if you do not get the feeling, the movement back in your left leg?

What if you do not progress?

What if being by the sea makes you worse as you become more aware and realise you are not the same person living by the sea?

What if, what if, oh honey...what if?

Those gifts from The Most High to us, I have to do it all right for them- it's their future, ultimately it is about them and not us...

I am just tired and scared.

Very scared, and I can't hide from the fears, because you are not by my side to run things by, to calm my worries...

This is a new chapter, I am trying hard to organise everything.

You, Alex, are at the heart of everything I do...Those wonderful angel beings of ours, are at the heart of everything I do...

I just hope I do this well, that I am there for you all, that I look after you all and do it better than I could ever have imagined... because you and the kids are my world.

I write this in tears, because I am just afraid tonight, afraid of today, tomorrow and the future.

me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

No comments:

Post a Comment