5th March 2013
When there's nothing left, you've reached the end, when you feel there's no further down you can go, you've hit rock bottom. The only thing I can find to do is shut my eyes tight and start counting out, naming, singling out each and every one of my beautiful moments and incredible blessings.
I'm taking a week to stop looking, stop the output, pushing all the time. It's this that has been stifling me. I know it's circumstantial, I don't blame myself for searching and trying everything desperately for a house, a solution to the untenable situation. Neither am I giving up. But it's been affecting the kids, me.
I told Monty this morning I was stopping looking for a solution for a while, taking some mental time out and focussing my gaze on God, giving thanks and praise and revelling in the beauty of creation and of the tiny insignificant everyday blessings. These add up and stack and if I keep counting I will soon have the balance back, refocus my gaze. He gets it, Monty does, he chats very openly and maturely about things. Lola listens and asks questions, Mitzi listens well too and always says her thing to be grateful to God for is food and doing the splits...!
It's felt bleak and desperate and I've woken up and not wanted to be a part of my. Life and that's not right!
So I have to change something, so I am veering my gaze, swapping where I am looking and what I'm looking at, writing it all down all those moments worth living for;
Toothless smiles and dirty nails.
Being blessed enough to be called 'mummy' four times over.
Blackbird's call in the morning.
Morning walk to school with four kids able to walk alongside me and their busy chatter at the beginning of a new day.
Hot cup of tea and kettle that boils water, fridge that has milk in it.
For cupboards that have weetabix and porridge for hungry tummies in the morning.
...I keep writing, keep seeing, keep receiving the blessings thus.
I'm just sitting still.
Just for a while.
And giving thanks.