3rd March 2013
Hitting rock bottom, I struggle yesterday to breathe, to smile, chest tight and tortured. A house, a house, a house, how to get a house. It is all that pollutes my mind, all I can think of.
Yet I know I can't carry this on, can't be this way round the kids and I have you just for the weekend, so I know our time ticks on, ticks away and I have to be all there for you and the kids.
I lie in bed this morning determined to rise above my sinking heart and knotted mess in the pit of my stomach.
The parts I thought I'd write tonight are the parts where I stood, breathed air and thanked the Most High for...
Mitzi and Esmie onesies and school shoes on playing happily at 'there's a zombie in the garden'. I watch out of the kitchen window as they laugh together, run together and it's early morning and they are outside and happy. Thank God for healthy beautiful girls full of imagination and play.
Overhearing Monty playing with his lego. There's lego spilling out of almost every corner in the house, it drives me potty, but I love the fact he loves his lego, the battles he sets up, the intricate ships he builds. I'd never have it any other way.
Lola gets herself dressed and colour coordinates, purple, red and a blue jumper, and yes she does look beautiful and well done for choosing such a colourful outfit! She's making things in her room, loving the fact her sisters aren't around to steal her glue or pens, revelling in her creative alone time mode.
Esmie who swims in the bath at 1pm, just because she wants to and when she gets out wants to paint my face. Who paints her dad's face and later sneaks off to paint the wall and radiator...
Mitzi doing handstands in her bed when she is supposed to be asleep...
Alex coming to life when a Red Hot Chilli Pepper's song comes on! Just like before when he'd bounce around, throw the kids around and make us all chorus 'stop!' only now he dances uncoordinatedly and sofa bound...
I wanted to write them all, all written, and there were so many more. To focus on such blessings to get me through the impossible times.
Orange pink sunset glows as I wheel out the bins. Alex sings to Bob Marley and I am about to get the kids snuggled up, storied up and milk drinks. I pray.
...Thank you for all I do have, my priceless blessings, bountiful and beautiful. Thank you I have my family together this weekend. For the people who have been sent to make my days lighter and evenings less lonely. May my dream of living all together become a reality soon...
And I will keep on praying.