18th March 2013
Sometimes I look at you when you lie next to me on the sofa or when you sit surrounded by us all, your family, your mouth contorting, pouting and twisting your eyes flickering. When I allow myself to think about what hits me at times, my heart aches for you, the sadness I feel for you, if you knew this had happened, if you knew this was going to happen, if you could see yourself as you are now...how you would weep.
So I catch myself each time and shake the thought out of my head, replacing it with thoughts of how far you've come and what you've achieved.
It's been a lot of that these past 18 months, catching myself caught up in a particular behaviour or thought process, then teaching myself to be aware enough of how I am and then determined enough to challenge this and change! It's not been easy or plain sailing though. And each time I pull myself up, challenge and change, I realise how much further I need to go to be better and bigger emotionally and spiritually and in my roles as mummy and wife.
My sacred moment today was your touching my face, stroking my cheek, kissing my nose and saying 'you're beautiful'.
After a wipe out of a weekend for you, you just lay around not wanting to get up, subdued and fatigued, you were quiet and accepting when you went back to the Care Home, saying to Esmie who began to cry ' it's OK, I'll be be back soon, won't I?'
So you're understanding and anticipating coming home? Wow! Even more progress, you understood, weren't torn apart by going back, you reassured Esmie even. Just amazing.
Well done my angel, I am just bursting with pride at the moment...