1st February, 2013
The wind is powerful, I'm stood at the top of the highest building I have ever seen. I'm watching myself, I'm being pushed, I can't scream, I'm powerless to do anything, the strength of the invisible dark presence succeeds in pushing me, throwing me from the top.
I wake, breathless and heart shuddering out beats.
It's been a strange week. Pulled in a thousand directions, no wonder I dream like this when my eyes close and I finally sleep.
I get through what I and you have 'lost' by hoping, each time I feel like this is it, this is as far as it goes, no more you to be seen other than this, I pull on, reach out. It's a bit like keeping your eyes open in a sand storm at times, but you have to to see where you're going, even though it hurts! I keep consoling myself with how far you've come.
But I've wavered a bit this week. I suppose because doing a week like I have done without you, it's all for you now, not with you, I need your friendship and your arm around me and it's just not going to happen. With all the hoping in the world it's now, this week, this day I need it, I need you.
And I stay with you, watching you, damaged and pursing lips involuntarily, unseeing eyes flickering. Scratching with your right hand at your shoulder, I try and coax the arm down, I manage for a little while, then it automatically goes back up to 'scratching' position, there's no itch, it's just a movement you do often. And I can't help the heart thudding downwards, the eyes burning with tears I cannot cry, if I do, I don't know where they'll lead or stop.
I just have to get on, deal with it, press on, shut up and put up!
...that Alex you once were, how I miss him...and it feels like I have forgotten you, the you you were. I feel like you are out there somewhere, watching on, trying to get back? And I ache with all my being for that you...
You're hopefully being discharged today, I'm waiting for the Dr to come and let me know.
The week's over.
Now for a busy weekend and seeing what next week brings.