Friday, 1 February 2013

Dear Alex, Dreams.

1st February, 2013

Dear Alex,

The wind is powerful, I'm stood at the top of the highest building I have ever seen. I'm watching myself, I'm being pushed, I can't scream, I'm powerless to do anything, the strength of the invisible dark presence succeeds in pushing me, throwing me from the top.

I wake, breathless and heart shuddering out beats.

It's been a strange week. Pulled in a thousand directions, no wonder I dream like this when my eyes close and I finally sleep.

I get through what I and you have 'lost' by hoping, each time I feel like this is it, this is as far as it goes, no more you to be seen other than this, I pull on, reach out. It's a bit like keeping your eyes open in a sand storm at times, but you have to to see where you're going, even though it hurts! I keep consoling myself with how far you've come.

But I've wavered a bit this week. I suppose because doing a week like I have done without you, it's all for you now, not with you, I need your friendship and your arm around me and it's just not going to happen. With all the hoping in the world it's now, this week, this day I need it, I need you.

And I stay with you, watching you, damaged and pursing lips involuntarily, unseeing eyes flickering. Scratching with your right hand at your shoulder, I try and coax the arm down, I manage for a little while, then it automatically goes back up to 'scratching' position, there's no itch, it's just a movement you do often. And I can't help the heart thudding downwards, the eyes burning with tears I cannot cry, if I do, I don't know where they'll lead or stop.

I just have to get on, deal with it, press on, shut up and put up!

...that Alex you once were, how I miss him...and it feels like I have forgotten you, the you you were. I feel like you are out there somewhere, watching on, trying to get back? And I ache with all my being for that you...

You're hopefully being discharged today, I'm waiting for the Dr to come and let me know.

The week's over.

I survived!

Now for a busy weekend and seeing what next week brings.

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxx


  1. I am constantly amazed by you, Tamsyn. Keep going; head down into the wind. Xxxxx emma

  2. I so admire your courage, stamina and committment and hope that some things will come along to help you cope.