22nd January 2013
I have decided something today. Made resolute this thought. Resolved myself, steadied my heart (a bit), and I have made a decision.
I am holding out for a miracle. They happen, I know they do. I’ve seen that, even just through you. I’m kneeling down, holding arms outstretched, saying ‘Most High, this is impossible for me, there is no amount of thinking, worrying, drowning in it that will change it, I here, right here, right now, hand it to You’
There is no way this housing issue is going to be resolved, not by me, so as of today I am relinquishing stressing about it, and I have decided to trust. To wait. Really put myself to the test. Trust, calm and quiet, not raging and trying frantically to seek out answers.
I saw this:
And it rung so true.
And since this happened, 16 long months ago, finding that quiet, that calm whilst the storm goes on around me, that is where I know each day when all things flare and I flounder, that is where I try at some point to get to. To find God. Still calm voice, quiet calm. Silence resounding in heart, deep in soul and enveloping mind.
I have decided I am waiting for a ‘miracle house’!
Because how can I find one? I can’t. How can I change that? I can’t. This IS too big for me. So I’m handing it on, handing it over to God.
When it came to that time I had to leave today, and you start to cry holding onto me with your one arm that works, asking me why you can’t come with me? And I have no words.
And I have nothing. I can only squeeze you tight, tell you I feel the same pain too. Heart racing, talking through gulps that burn my throat. And when I leave and linger in the door way as I always do, your head droops once again. Eyes, unseeing, fix on the floor.
And this hurts.
Please God, that miracle house…