31st October 2012
A better day and happy kids, Halloween face painting and the most lovely interaction between you and the kids today. The kids painted your face, Mitzi painted your nails black, you laugh, pull scary faces and Monty play fights with you. It’s natural, he doesn’t sulk, sit in the corner asking if it’s time to go yet. He’s relaxed, hovers round you, does not avoid, not brimming with tension and anger. He’s doing so well at the moment. He’s enjoying you as his new kind of dad. Realising the things he can do with you, and although not anything like it was before, he’s establishing a new relationship. Like he’s stopped expecting you and blaming you for not springing back.
I think I have a lot to learn from our kids. Their acceptance, they deal with it and move on. They are sad when they are sad, they miss you and they know that, but they seem to have come to terms with you as a new person. Lola follows Monty’s lead, she’s happier and relaxed around you too. Adored by his sisters, Monty sets the precedent for how things are-whether he means to or not!
I’ve had not such a sad day today, because this afternoon was just easy and lovely with all of us together. I suppose when there is such a gaping hole inside, I have to look to replenish it with soul-food, the love of the kids, the times together. I have to drink these times in.
It’s really replaced some of the hurt and anguish I feel by witnessing Monty’s new acceptance. It’s pushed aside some of the grief and put back some smiles.
Tonight I sit with candles burning, lavender tea to sip. I look over the photos of today, the laughter, the smiles, the interaction. I allow myself to see that how it is at the moment, it’s not so bad…real joy can still be felt, letting my loneliness and loss be replenished with a boy’s love for his dad. How very special, how proud I am of them all, our kids.
For now it’s as it is, for always I’ll miss the man you were, but the man you are now, I love abundantly and I’ll still never give up hope…