Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Dear Alex, Having to let go.

October 28th 2012

Dear Alex,

I know I’m not writing as much, I am sorry. I just can’t at the moment.

Monty was much better today, you got him in a ‘python lock’ and kissed him, you both wrestled for a bit and he didn’t run off or avoid contact as he usually does apart from a brief ‘hi dad’ and kiss hello. We managed to have a really fun and chatty time together, and everyone was ok.

I give you your breakfast, I ask how many weetabix you want, you answer me clearly ‘three please’. You grabbed your cup really well, I steady it a bit, but it’s really come on, you have definitely made progress here. You hold your head upright (with a gentle reminder) and bring your arm up steadily and almost directly to your mouth. I am really impressed and I tell you how well you are doing. You are genuinely pleased and I joke about what our marriage has come to, life has come to when I am congratulating you on how well you can drink your thickened cup of tea!

I am working on the tears, I have them under control a bit more now. But the biggest thing at the moment is this gripping tight feeling I have that starts at the top of my throat and descends to the middle of my chest. It’s there constantly. It hurts a lot. It’s difficult to take my mind off it. It’s full of memories of you. Of times that once were. It’s full of how you used to love me, how you used to be the one who protected me. It’s full of not wanting to let go, but knowing I have to. It’s full of the old you.

I need to go through this, I’m clear about that much. I have spent thirteen months avoiding this. I just can’t anymore. i feel that in letting myself have the most fearsome thoughts I could ever face, that you as you were is gone, I will come to an acceptance of this new life, this new you.

Life as we shared it before is not. Life will be different.

I have to bring myself through onto this different life, and I feel I owe it to the old life to acknowledge it and say farewell.

I don’t know how I am going to get through this pain I feel at the moment, all I know is that I have to, so I will.

See you tomorrow my angel,

From yours xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

1 comment:

  1. The pain in this post is almost too much to bear and I'm only reading it. You are grieving for the partner and lover you had and accepting the unfair reality of now. You ate so strong and it speaks volumes of the wonderful relationship you and Akex shared together. God bless youxxx