Dear Alex, A Race Against Time...

Mitzi and chocolate cake mix make acquaintance...

November 30th 2012

Dear Alex,

Breath mist, frost White grass, crisp under foot. Five mouths breathe out bursts of steam. The walk to school fresh, hats gloves layering up the porridge full stomachs of four finally ready for the school run kids. The dog leaps around barking his presence, lead and 'oh alright then dog, come on...'

I can handle the cold when it's bright and when the moon dipping down, sets way for the sun climbing ever higher in the sky. Shadows of wildlife darting, chasing through bare trees where life and green and colour used to sit. Silhouette trees reaching down frost captured ground. It's a beautiful drive this morning to see you.

It's a constant battle at the moment to not keep staring into the bad things going on, and losing my appreciation for the incredible good things. A car, well how incredible? I would never have made the journey in the other car. Yet the length of the drive, the toll that is taking, the fact it means I can't bring you home anymore is overtaking the fact that someone provided me with the means to come and

visit you. And I feel such guilt.

They are reassessing you, the people I have finally tracked down who supply the equipment and facilitate you coming home. I thought I was getting the equipment and it was just a matter of time. But no, now they are reassessing and why? Because the nursing home does everything for you, you are hoisted and do not transfer using the stand that you did so well in at the O.C.E, so they feel you have regressed physically. Without the adequate speech therapy input, your speech is almost incomprehensible at present. So they are reassessing you. Now to see if you actually can do the visits... I just am in shock, I think, that so much can be like this... And I keep thinking to myself there must be some lesson I am supposed to be learning in all this... Patience? I've been patient! Self control? I've had that until now, but this might just make me flip. I just cannot see why everything, everything surrounding you is such an immense battle... There is something NOT right about that...

And now it's the weekend and I can't do anything, surprisingly enough the people who are coming out to assess you (who
I have to arrange this with, and goodness only knows when they can make an appointment
) were not in the office today either! So I couldn't speak to them either...

Come on God, throw me a lifeline...! Just a little something ...please?

I do feel like it's a race against time, I do feel the pressure of that, because you will not progress, in fact are regressing, and I can't allow that...I need to fight for you to come back to me.

And honestly, I don't have any solutions and I feel trapped.

I shall write a list of the good things tonight, I'll focus on that for a while rather than feeling so overwhelmed by the negativity...

I wish you were here or able enough to encourage me or help me or just to make me a cup of tea...

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx