Thursday, 18 October 2012

Dear Alex, What's in a sky?

Sky over the Hospital yesterday morning...

October 17th 2012

Dear Alex,

What’s in a sky? I spend the best part of the journey to see you and the return, looking at the sky. I look for birds, watch the magnificent patterns of clouds. They speak another language. Their lightness, their weight, they impose, they enshroud, they are sparce. Birds I see surfing the waves of the wind. And today, the sky speaks to me. Just look at the clouds today. Let me explain, the other day someone sent me a little message saying ‘little ripples make big waves’. What I felt, is that with those ripples in the sky, rainbow framed by the hidden sun, that the Most High was speaking to me. Reminding me that at the moment we are rippling,  and they will make those big waves. Even if there are no big waves at the moment, it does not mean there won't be.

Even in your recuperation Alex, the more and more you practice something, the more you do it, the more those neurons will fire up and want to find the new pathways. It’s starts small. Ripples and waves- oh, OK, you all get the ripples waves thing. Good.

The past ten days I realise my absence has been noted. When I wanted to hide the most, for some reason hiding drew more attention to me! What’s that about?! I couldn’t write, because quite honestly I couldn’t put down what I was feeling. I was better hiding away until I got a grip! But I thought that I would write today, having come through the worst of it. I felt so confused, selfish, I just felt so angry, I was ashamed of this. I was most angry at God. How could I ever think that? Feel like that? How could I ever reveal that? These were some of things that were going through my head. I felt hiding away was the best thing to do, because then no on would see what I was going through. But this made it worse! People worried more! I didn’t want to talk about anything because any ‘oh, you’ll get there’s’ or commiserations I think I would have drop kicked anyone if they’d said that! And I’m not a violent person by nature. I didn’t trust myself to speak to anyone, didn’t want anyone to know. I have gradually opened up a bit this week to some friends about what’s been going on, and their words encouraged me so much, telling me they weren’t surprised I was angry, that it was OK to feel like that.

For me this whole year or so, I have spent challenging this, not letting myself give in to these feelings, revoking negative and resentful emotions, turning them into gratitude for what I have. I’ve spent over a year talking about this on my blog…and then for me to feel as I did as angry and as bitter and resentful as I did, how could I be public about that? And then I thought, if I don’t talk about it, I’m not being honest. Being honest is a hugely important characteristic to me. I admire people who ‘call a spade a spade’ I’m not saying be blunt (you can go round the truth and put it nicely), but  be honest.

I also am a real person, with real faults. Living the life of a very fallible human being. Making mistakes, getting angry, messing up, and I realised that is part of what this is about too. Wanting everyone to think I’m always ok as I never want anyone to say ‘she’s got no idea what she has, she should stop whinging!’ I work hard at appreciating everything. So when I do really genuinely struggle, it’s worse because I feel no one will want to be around me and I hide. Only coming back out again when I’m ok.

That’s’ why I am writing this today, because I was angry with God, the unthinkable for me. I was bitter with the whole world, I hated everything and I nearly went down the garden to eat worms too…

I have some really tough things to deal with at the moment, not least your next rehab place has not been sorted, they’ll fund somewhere, but we still don’t know where. I still have no house for you to even have the possibility of an overnight stay, or longer than 2 hours…The neurosurgeon also told me you would make no further progress.

So I crashed, but hearing it’s alright to do that, hearing people still liked me and didn’t think I was being a draining selfish wench (well, they didn’t tell me if they did!). This gave me some strength to allow this and go with it, and draw myself back up again.

I looked into the neurosurgeon’s eyes, mine bright with tears, I swallow back the aching tears and respond to him, ‘one day, Alex and I will walk back in here hand-in-hand, and Alex will shake your hand, Professor’…I believe that, no matter how long it takes.

So I grab hold of the protective hope I have for you. Life is so very different, but that’s why I have to trust. Look to God, whether I am angry or trusting, I have seen He is still there. And I know the sky was my sign…I know what it said to me.

It’s not shameful to feel angry, but I do think you need to allow that, then refocus, otherwise you would go mad, or always stay a bitter resentful person, and I don’t believe in that!

I love you Alex, I am still battling, and we’ll get there, because I won’t let us not get there!!

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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