Dear Alex, ice-cream pots (bear with me!) and that hope back, unfalteringly...

A 2-year-old Monty Buster...

July 2^nd 2012

Dear Alex,

Analogies galore-some I had no idea where I was going with them, one worked so well, to my surprise! And relief…

Monty comes in from school, fighting, throwing his bag, clenched fists, storming. I settle the girls, let him do as he pleases for a while, spend time with the girls reading and drawing, doing puzzles, then say quietly to Monty it’d be good to chat for a minute, and we go up to his room.

I sit cross legged on the carpet, he stands, arms folded.

I ask what it is he feels is going on for him at the moment. Shrugs ‘dunno’. I reach out, he turns his back, slumps on the floor, back to me, arms, legs crossed, determined not to let me in.

I sit quietly, watching him, praying. Asking for guidance, how do I break through, how to I get him to cuddle, release some of what is eating away at him inside?

Here’s where my crap analogy comes in, but it worked! Trying to give him an object for his hurt and what has, is going on for him. I proceed: imagine a big ice cream pot, full of your favourite ice-cream, what flavour would it be? He shrugs, ‘chocolate’ Ah, good, a response! The pot is big and full of your favourite ice cream, and this was how life was for you before, when Dad was around for play fights, light sabre battles, pulling his index finger to make him fart! Punching him in his iron hard tummy and not even wincing! Then daddy had his accident. All of a sudden it was like someone came and scooped out with out asking him half his ice cream in the pot. ‘Not half’ he says, ‘they left me a crumb…’ then he breaks down, sobbing, banging his head on his knees, and I reach out and pull him so close and let him cry for a while, shhing him, telling him how painful what he is dealing with is, how extraordinarily well he is doing, he doesn’t need to not tell me, or not face it, he is safe looking in the pot and showing it to me, I will always love him no matter what.

He’s getting the analogy, this is good! As I am not sure I was! I tell him that it’s still his pot, it feels very wrong that the ice-cream was taken away without permission, and so suddenly. He lost one of his favourite things. ‘yeah, and now it’s boring, no one can stop me feeling like this, I don’t want to stop feeling like this’. I explain his anger, he has a right to show someone the almost empty pot and go ‘do you know what? This is really unfair, I want it back!’ and sometimes it’s good to show people it and say, ‘this makes me sad’, but the important thing to do, is to show it. I tell him over and over I am here as his mum, I have that responsibility and I want to look after him, when he wants to scream out ‘look, all my ice cream’s gone!’ I am here, but I am also here to love him no matter how he feels, he’s not wrong in feeling how he is.

I then say to his comment about not wanting to let people in and keeping all the pain inside that the aim of this life is to grow, only you can let yourself grow, by being open to love, guidance, talking and listening. He looks a bit puzzled (I don’t blame him!) then says ‘I didn’t realise I could change myself’.

He talked, he cried, he opened up. I had a break through with ice-cream pots, who’d have thought it?!

I feel much more positive about him, if I can just get him to realise I am here to take responsibility for how he feels, to help him, look after him, he just needs to let me help him by letting me in…

And you, you today Alex, you were really there today! I asked you what you think about, as no one is certain that thought processes are possible due to the extent of the damage. You replied, you spoke for the first time in 2 weeks apart from a good weekend last weekend, and said ‘I think about you all the time…’ you think about me! That torch light of hope is firmly on, leading the way, hope is buckled up firmly around me, and I WILL plough on through. It’s little moments like this that give me voluminous strength, makes everything worthwhile, and I will hope and I will carry on forever…

And one day, we will be back together, as one unit, you, me, the kids…today I feel this in my being.

Thank you God for this day-another one for the gratitude list!

See you tomorrow my angel,

Me xxxxxxxxxxxx