Dear Alex, June the 3rd, we were moved and this was then...

Moving and princess day...

My friend Lydie (who came over from France with Vanessa and her daughter Margot) and a sleeping Esmie in her arms...

3^rd June 2012

Dear Alex,

The heavens have opened, it pours. Skies reigning grey and horizontal, water, streams, puddles. The Bananarama song repeats in my head ‘It’s a cruel, cruel cruel Summer, leaving me here on my own…now that you’ve gone…’

Kids splash, chomping at the bit to be set free in the glory of the rain, tearing through puddles, collecting sticks and leaping at trees to soak further their sodden clothes. It can not help but provoke smiles and laughter at their glee.

Darting in and out all day, everyday, I have not had time to sit yet and take stock. We’re moved. All boxes packed, unpacked. Beds demounted, re-erected. New place, new people, corner house, number 27. The garden is the best bit, although wild and overgrown mostly, the space is a haven. It’s the corner house on a terraced housing block, but with an alley down the side, and French windows opening onto into the open dining room/lounge, once a ramp is fitted, you will be able to visit when you are ready to home visit.

The kids around go mostly to the same school as our kids, and the walk is 5 minutes. Esmie piggy backed, Mitzi grizzling, Monty and Lola smiling and enjoying the freedom of a walk everyday to and from school, as am I.

Still no internet, no hot running water, no heating! Hopefully before long this will be fixed, but the boiler was leaking gas, and was switched off before we moved in nearly 2 weeks ago.

The half-term is here, and Summer holidays approach. I get very tired in the holidays, juggling all, and bringing kids who do not always want to come into hospital, in to see you.

I do not give them a hard time, it’s their right to feel however they do, but when I do not have much choice, it’s with sadness and biting back the tears when I hear their cries of ‘oh, again, but we went in yesterday, and the day before, and the day before…’ there’s a mixture of reasons. One of which being every time we come in, they have to confront the fact that this is still as it is. You are still where you are. Now 8 months on, to the day. It’s a whole long time in a kids’ life, and when, although you make progress, now eating a full yoghurt a day, and talking sometimes well enough to be understood, the fact remains that you are not you as you were, they do not get to do things that normally kids do with their dads. And none of us know if, when this may change.

There was a fun day organised by the church we go to today (cornerstone.co.uk)  and the kids and I set off picnicked up at 9.45 this morning. We spent the entire day the kids amused, colouring in competitions, best costumes, crab football (yes I had a go and got hand ball as I saw the ball flying at my head, panicked and sent it flying off any old how with my hand-but it was self defence ref!) I union jack flag face painted like trooper for what seemed like hours, mine I managed to get in head locks to do their, but as it didn’t seem that ethical on anyone else’s child, the rest went out happily skew union jacked flagged faces…we drove straight from the Jubilee picnic and games fun to the hospital. I had wanted to give the kids a day then see you in the evening. But they’re tired, and I do not know if the evenings work. We cannot be there till 6pm, and get in at nearly 9. Which is late for them, and the 6 am morning arise is early…but my hands are tied. If I take them in the day, we are confined to the hospital with not much to do. So doing the day stuff and taking them in the evening seems to be the solution, although, apparently not…

Still, we’ll reach the balance.

An important meeting for you is coming up on Thursday; it’s your discharge meeting. At best we will have 2 or 3 more months there, at worst, 1 month. So plans towards the next stage of care for you needs to be addressed, on to the next place…

Well, my washing machine is still not plumbed in, I have not had time to call the plumber, the dirty washing spills from cupboards relentlessly, like the rain. But that will be sorted at some point too. And I shall not go out for 4 days straight to catch up with the washing!

Time moves on, fast, but so very, very slowly too. Many challenges confront us, and the struggle for the strength I need, I fight for.

Thankful for the beds, the roof over our heads and food in the cupboards and fuel in the car to come and see you. Blessings of everyday; I thank God.

Such a confusing time, so many things to try and balance, I pray for strength and sit quietly in my mind, trying not to let the tornado of what’s to come, and when, hit me and leave me floored…

I will see you tomorrow Alex, the kids and I are in in the morning. Sleep peacefully, heal, rest.

I love you, forever,

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx