Dear Alex, another back dated letter, slowly getting there with the letters of now to come...

After the rain, kids splashing in dressing up heels, only one in sensible footwear...

6^th June 2012

Dear Alex,

Once dead vines regrow from having been hacked back vivaciously by my friend Vanessa. Sprouting green vibrant life, reaching over the wooden frame threatening to fall in the unkempt garden of the new temporary house we’re in.

I am struck, never have I witnessed such an awe inspiring sky. On my way home from the hospital and then picking up the kids from their grandparents house where they went to the zoo, I dash into a lay by, where I send dozens of quietly grazing rabbits, white tails bobbing to find safety from the intrusion of my car. I had to pull over, I had to memorise this sky. How it threatens and folds, lingers on the horizon, black and grey, foreboding clouds. To my right, never have I seen a sky so beautiful. Never have I witnessed a sun shining silver white light, powerful, strong, overpowering. Glimmers of this silver light shine pockets of prisms, pressing through the trees, hedgerows by the left hand side of the road where I have stopped. Despair and promise, starkly divides the sky.

The sun, silver in all its glory peers over the horizon, highlighting the countryside around, silhouetting rain thrusting its advance. It is mist and silhouettes, beneath a powerful silver light. Nothing can hide it; it is breathtaking. As I watch, birds, colours unshown, dance and glide towards shelter.

The sky displays the dichotomy in life. One side, if we choose to turn our backs on the other, is loud, admonishing, barely reflecting any light or hope at all. The other side is full of transparent magnificent beauty, standing between these two skies, I am humbled, I am small, but not the only one to notice, as a lady, too pulls over and gets her camera lens out to capture the significance.

It has been a long hard few days. Unclear as to where I am going, what is expected of me, unable to answer any of the myriad questions that present themselves to me. Unable to fight the grief overwhelming me for the you you used to be, as you, that you, is gone now. No one can tell me in what capacity I will get you back, I have to cling on to the sky on my right hand side, no matter how dark, threatening one way looks, light protrudes, fighting, challenging the omnipotence of the grey, dark side of the sky.

You have had botox injections in your left arm, in the elbow, and a cast put on, this is so they can try and regain the motricity in this side before it’s too late and the muscles, so long contracted now, loose any hope of extending again. You are in pain, unable to recall the reason you have the cast stretching out these muscles on your left arm. Once I re-explain, and you have some painkillers, you settle. I take you out to see Oliver, our dog, who I have brought with me today. He’s looking out, expecting you, and flings his furry body and wagging tail all over you, you make such a fuss of him, and say his name, delight on your face.

You are now eating one whole yoghurt a day, with the hope of moving onto pureed vegetables. This progress is phenomenal, and you put everything in your mouth, hoping to find food. Only my arm wasn’t and don’t bite me again, it hurt!!!

Small steps, and another meeting for you tomorrow, this is your discharge meeting, we have limited time here now till you move on to the next place, which has to be very carefully thought about. it has to be right for you.

I have faced the loneliness of losing the you you once were, am facing it daily, some days I seem to do nothing but re-apply ‘waterproof’ mascara, suck in the grief and walk out with a smile, other days I am reclusive, only going out for the kids, to do things with them, make their half-term one filled with activities.

Life without you, Alex, is something I never thought I would have to face, and cannot believe it’s real. Occasionally I glimpse someone who has a look of you and my heart dives into my throat, convinced you are there. Then I realise how much I am still deep down very much in denial, as facing what I should be is too much, unthinkable, I can not go there.

I prepare for tomorrow, hope some light may be shed as to where we may be headed next, so I can prepare the kids for the next move.

I don’t sleep well without you, without my legs wrapped around your strong legs, comforting me, soothing me with your protection and your love to sleep.

I long for this, for you.

Beauty in nature inspires me, takes my breath away on a daily basis, I thank the Most High for the blessings all around.

For the kids with smiles and laughter, and the time we have together, hoping one day it will include you too…

I love you Alex, you are the only one, and I will fight everyday, every minute of everyday to get that back…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx