Sunday, 16 October 2011

Uncontrollable tears of relief....

Tonight, after the phone call from the hospital, I sit on my own for a while, watching the moon. I sit on one of the kid’s stools next to their sand pit. As I gaze at the moon, feeling peace tonight, I realise the huge yellow moon, it’s rays are directing themselves into my heart. The rays are strong, and shine brightly, and I allow myself to breathe, slowly, tears of relief, my husband has made it through, AGAIN. The moon is beautiful, and it is, I believe, by no coincidence that it’s rays project towards my heart, I reach out my hands, palms open, ‘touching’ them. I sit a while and feel the utter relief. The end of another day, and it has ended positively.

This morning, they rescanned alex, and he had to be rushed off for more interventional surgery. This, I was not expecting, and I, and my sister-in-law, who has come in with me today, cuddle and allow ourselves to break down on hearing the news. We then look at each other, and tell each other, no, be positive, be strong, do what Alex would be doing for us. We quash our weakness, and turn it into strength and hope and go down to see Alex. We walk hand in hand, still tears, but as we get to his room, we both breathe, we stop the tears, and walk in. We hold his hands, I touch his chest, and explain what he is about to have to go through. I tell him that at the moment, his body is weak, but that his spirit has always been, and WILL always be strong, nothing can touch that. He has to let the strength of his spirit take over now. Let his body be treated by the doctors, the surgeons, but let his spirit do the fighting that it needs to do now.

I tell him he can do this, that I KNOW he can do this, and that although I have to leave, I am there, still there, always there, and my spirit and my love and the prayers and the strength everyone is sending him from all over the world WILL carry him through this. The surgeons will do their bit, but it is up to HIM, but not only him, to do this, to get through this next steep hurdle, and I will be back.

I do not stay long, we’re not allowed, they have to prepare him for his second operation.

This afternoon, I return home to the kids, determined to make the afternoon about them. I am strong, I play with them, and we all take them out for their first ever Macdonalds! They play, eat crap (!) and have a wonderful time. I see a photo of Alex, and disappear off, break down in the toilets for a while, put my ‘face’ back on for the kids, and take them to ‘Toysrus’ and their Auntie spoils them with presents. But i know I have to protect these kids of ours, they are our ours to protect.

I am overwhelmed by the stream of people who come by, taking away my huge ironing pile, my washing, they sweep up, make tea, and carry me to the sofa to lie down for a little while when the stress of the ‘waiting’ physically takes over for a bit, and I collapse momentarily. They play with the kids, and I eventually manage to muster up the courage to take them in, Aunty Allie baths them, Grandma gives them fish sandwhiches, and I carry them up to bed.

I get ‘The’ phone call. My hands tremble as I answer. ‘Hello? Madame Wood?’ I can barely speak. ‘Everything went fine, the operation was a success, your husband is back in the ward, and there’s no problems’. I thank her through my uncontrollable sobs of relief, and tell every one the incredible news.

I shan’t write too much tonight, I am so very, very tired. But I wanted to leave it on a positive note, as tonight, he has done it, he has made it through again.

You, my baby, are the strongest person I know, your spirit, that of a lion’s, your inner strength, insurmountable, that you have shown with ultimate perseverance today, and through these last 12 days. You DID it my baby, I KNOW you will fight this, and I KNOW you will come home to us. I know this tonight, and I will sleep.

My angel, I am your angel too, I am here, protecting you, guiding you as I can, within my limits, but God’s hands are firmly wrapped around you, and I believe you shall come through this.

Thank you, to the Most High, thank you God, thank you everyone, thank you from the bottom of my heart and soul for carrying me, us through this.

Well done my baby, well done my angel, you keep your spirit fighting like a lion, and you will come home, you are going to come home, I know this.

Good night my sweat heart, I shall see you tomorrow, and rest, rest your tired body, let your spirit, let God do this, because that’s all the strength you need.

Good night my angel. x

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