A post to Alex...

As I sit drinking cold soup, laundry piled high unfolded, kids in bed, their innocent heads sleep, I write through red, tear filled eyes. All I can think of is you. The ‘Visiting hours’ are over, I have had to come home. But my heart is yours, my soul and my life are there with you. Lying there. Not sleeping, you can’t, your head hurts too much, you are too confused. I go to stroke your chest, the heart monitor’s intrusive  pads prevent me, your hands I cannot hold, the drips are in the strong hands that have carried both me and the kids for so many years. I tell you ‘it’s gonna be fine, you’ll be fine, you’ll be out soon’ but as I say the words my tears roll onto your face.

My ‘knight in shining armour', my soul mate, my ‘The one’…you lie there not knowing where to place yourself, tossing and turning in agonising pain.

Pacing the house is all I can do, I cannot think, I can only move. I just want to be next to you, holding you, caressing your head, loving you.

I am writing this now as I need to get this pain out somewhere, words are my aid, writing remains my comfort. But I just miss you.

I have never seen you like this, you’re always my strength, my confidant, my mentor, my advisor. Am I strong enough to do this now? Be ‘the strong one’ without you by my side, I don’t know.

It seems surreal, my head feels like it’s been taken from me, people speak to me and I can only say words, I’m numb, crippled with anxiety, the dread and fear pierce my heart.

Everyone sees us, comments on how healthy and happy we all look, how blessed our life is (and it really is). They do not see us beyond our doors when they close. No one has truly seen what you are, who you are, how you have been for me, what you do endlessly for me. No one sees the load you bear on your shoulders desperately trying to provide for me and our kids. Through thick and thin, in sickness and in health, through richness and through poorness we carry each other, our unit growing stronger with every breath we take, together. I have never known anyone like you, that’s why I cannot be without you. Your never waning strength in guarding the weight that bears heavily on your mind and shoulders as you by yourself, provide for us.

I doubt I shall sleep tonight, I shall carry on writing and pacing. Carry on hoping, praying and missing you.

May God’s strength be with you, that you come home to me, the kids, our life, to our bed. I daren’t sleep with you not there, it’s not the same bed, I am not in your arms tonight. I don’t know when I next will be. That’s what I am fighting to deal with.

Tomorrow morning I am coming to see you again. They tell me they should know more, whether they will have to operate or not. But they’re not allowing you any fluids, just in case. So I don’t know what to think. I am confused and without you, so very, very alone.

If God is listening to me he will hear my cries, my agony, he will see the depth of my pain, my loneliness, and how sacred I truly am. And if he is listening, may he offer you his strength, guard you and keep you, make you strong and well again.

We have been through so much, and yes, sometimes, we argue, but not much, especially all factors in our life that are unspoken or obvious, considered. We have grown together through honesty, communication, love, respect and belief. I feel numb without you, Alex, because you truly are my heart and soul.

Because you fulfil me, you guide me, help me, counsel me, test me in good ways and through your never diminishing everlasting love and belief in me, I am me.

I want to be there, I want to be in your arms, I miss you.