Monday, 10 October 2011

My heart is torn once again...but in it all, there may be some VERY good news!

I wrote this blog (below) Sunday night, feeling ‘contented’, I did not however put it up today, however, because this morning I call Alex, he is not well. I rush into Hospital, and he appears to have had a relapse, I chase around trying to find out what’s going on. The day is spent there, speaking to Doctors who tell me it is 'probably' normal, but no conclusive ‘he’ll be fine’s. I thus, again, find myself, my heart, once again in torturous pain. They give him some morphine for the pain, and with me stroking his head, he manages to sleep. I have just called him again (I had to leave, to pick up the kids) and the sleep has vastly helped. They will rescan him tomorrow morning (not Thursday), and if signs show his blood clot is beginning to dissipate, he may even be allowed to come home tomorrow afternoon! So although I still feel on edge, jumpy at the phone’s every ring, I feel reassured once again tonight, and will now put up the blog I wrote yesterday, and may well even be in my man’s arms once again TOMORROW night!...

I walked the dog last night, for the first time in nearly a week. As I wander down the lane, trees, bamboo and grass determined to own this lane, I come out at a field. This is the time of year they cut all the maize down, the field I walk up into reveals a large bright moon, the trees surrounding it are turning their breathtaking beautiful colours, the dusk light is pale peach, orange and pink and I am engulfed by the energy surrounding me of nature, the beauty of creation. I stand for a few minutes, allowing the tranquillity to seep into my body, my eyes absorbing it all, my mind calms for the first time since Tuesday. And I thank God for hearing my cries, others’ prayers, and I wander back up the lane smiling.

I do not know how I have managed this week, but the ‘normality’ of life is demanding my attentions again, and I actually cooked dinner for the kids for the first time in almost a week. It's also the first meal I have eaten in nearly a week. I eat, a small amount, but a meal nonetheless. I have done some washing too, even folded some clothes. I soak in my first bath for 5 days (no comments please until you have been in my shoes!) and am gradually accepting things will be getting back to ‘normal’.

It’s a strange readjustment, from going on empty, on automatic pilot, to consciously being able to make a few decisions, wandering around with purpose in what I am doing, rather than aimlessly pacing, not knowing why I am where I am, what I am supposed to be doing. In fact today, I have felt the exhaustion, utter, utter exhaustion. I have been emotionally vacuumed dry, hence the relief of allowing myself to believe it may be alright for the first time in days, my body has crashed, and I am no longer numb.

I see Alex today and lie on the hospital bed nest to him, he strokes my head today, and I shed some tears of relief, I can finally count on being in his arms once more, I can finally let myself be reassured that the scan on Thursday will be showing the clot is on it’s way to being reabsorbed back into the body, and that he will back with his family, in our bed on Friday night.

I have decided all the kids can stay in school for this week all day for the 4 days they are there, with no (well, not much) guilt, as visiting hours are 12 till 8, this way I will be able to go in and see Alex in the afternoons, and maybe even relax a bit in the mornings, gradually getting our laundry back in order! He asked me to bring him in some clean underwear, to which I reply that it might be tricky, as I have done not ONE load of washing since Tuesday! There are none clean! And rooting through the mountainous pile of dirty laundry in the garage may tip me over the edge…So his dad (who has been down since Thursday, as luckily my in-laws are still in France till the end of October) buys him some new underwear to tide him over whilst his useless wife gets back into the swing of things!

I walk hand in hand with Alex this afternoon to the end of the corridor to see the kids, we gulp back emotions, and the excited chatter as the kids update him on all that’s going on, after a while gets too much for him, but who wouldn’t it?! And I help him back to his bed. Monty is overjoyed and can’t wait to burst out that he scored a goal in their football match yesterday, and his team won 1-0!

So things are slowly getting there, my heart still leaps in my mouth at every phone call, but I suppose that’ll slowly lessen too.

I imagine it may be a while till I am back blogging properly, but you never know, it is my diary, my way of expressing myself, a comfort to me, so I doubt it’ll be too long before my blog gets back to normal too!  

Thank you once again for all the love and support and help you have shown us, we are SO very overwhelmed and grateful, and I for one, have been carried by the knowledge that there is a world of people out there, there for us, supporting us, caring about us and praying for healing.

Tamsyn x

ps I am now off to have another bath, I may even shave my legs in anticipation of my husband's return!

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