Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Easy peasy lemon squeezy...

Everybody now, and 'aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh'
On the way home from school, I am informed by Monty that his best mate Enzo is giving him a kitten tomorrow, and it would be fine apparently, he’d bring it home by carrying it in his sack, so I didn’t have to carry it. Thoughtful. And erm, NO! He tries to convince me by telling me how cute and fluffy and white it is…I nearly fall for it too, who can resist a cute fluffy pussy? But I stand my ground, as I know it would be a “It’s me or the kitten” chat from my husband, and who knows where that’d end up?

I have realised of late, I am a compulsive volunteer. I just cannot help myself. It ranges from baking cakes for school, to doing the Bibliotech (library), to face painting at school fetes, to looking after school pets (and killing them, disclaimer: accidentally), to being a real live ‘pin the tail on the Donkey mum’ (never actually happened, but I probably would volunteer for that too). The most recent of volunteering my little self has seen me carting home dozens of books from the Library at my son’s school, to repair, cover and categorise. I have no idea where the HELL I have put the fooking library books. On some tidying frenzy I must have stashed them away somewhere ‘safe’. ‘Ooo I’ll remember where that is, as it’s such a random place to put something’ I tell myself, as I gaily chat to myself on clearing duties. But I never find it again. I am hoping I will come across these books, as I have no inclination to be hauled infront of the Headmaster, demanding me with menaces what I did with the Bibliotech books. We shall see. I don’t know what the volunteering myself for everything is all about, but at least it gets me out. In fact I am now the ‘go-to’ mum, if anything needs doing at school, it’s all ‘oh, Madame Wood, we are asking you as we know you don’t work, so would you be free to….’ Yeah, I don’t ‘work’…HAVE YOU ANY IDEA???!!!! (Don't get me wrong, I am for no second saying I do more than the next person, all I am trying to justify is the fact I definitely do not sit on my pie-ass all day) I feel like screaming in their faces, although probably not the best tack to take considering they teach my kids. I already have a more than dodgy reputation, so wouldn’t want to push it.

I have been on a quest today, to sort all kinds of French things out, I have painted the toilet white (the walls), cooked, cleaned like a trooper, stitched up throws/trousers/a skirt, seen to the kids, the school runs, baked cakes for some event tomorrow, and I am still going. I have felt like I have passed better days, if I am honest, I went everywhere I was supposed to go, went to ring everyone I was supposed to, when the phone died for no apparent reason (another electrical appliance committing suicide, contagious), so phone calls were not done, I went to pay the rent, 2 times, and noone was in (not an entirely easy task with 4 kids in tow), so now we look like we’re late with it. And everyone I went to see, I did not have the correct paper work for, and have to go away and do more homework. I even was on time (despite the considerably unfavourable odds) to my long awaited (2 months) dentist appointment, only to be turned away as the 4 kids I had in tow with me would not wash. He couldn’t possibly tackle my teeth with 4 kids in the same room. Why? Coz I will scream like a snake being tied in a knot, and scare them stupid? Or because he is secretly afraid that my ‘nature’ children (please see previous blog for explanation will secretly be syringing each other and pulling out each other’s teeth whilst he performs. Well, the crux of it is, I was turned away. I have had better times licking my own feet clean. In fact I even caught myself wishing I was a chicken today. I watch them boc round, flapping about in the dust, wandering around eating and pecking at anything and everything that wriggles or doesn’t. Easy peasy lemon squeezy (did you used to say that too? No? Oh well, I did) life. But then, I’d be a giant orange beaked flapping ostrich beast, that people may or may not take to, so I’ve left my options open. 

Tomorrow I am going AT the world, I shall rip open my pyjamas, without un-buttoning them, eat my slippers, all roaring and chest pumping the kids over their weetabix. With Rhino-man like prowess (does a Rhino-man exist?) I shall be unbeatable, unstoppable, un…forgettable, gorilla warfare, Madame Wood style. Wow, that’s quite a mission statement, We’ll see how it goes…

I took them up to bed one by one tonight (yes, a bit like loading them onto an Ark, only not in pairs, and they’re going to bed, not off to sea in a giant boat built by a dude called Noah, as the whole world's been flooded, but there’s a little likeness), and read them a story. Lola and Monty were looking at a storybook together when I came down to fetch Lola. I colour it in with Lola for a while, and she remarks that Ariel (the Disney character) has big boobies in her shell bikini. Monty looks over, goes yeah, Lola, you’re right, she has got big Tinsels’…Lord only knows where he got that expression! ‘Alex…!!!!’

That’s it for today *deafened by calls of ‘phew’*. So I’ll see you all tomorrow,

Tamsy x

Ps, look, you see that, I cannot even spell my own name thesedays…!

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