Dear Alex, End of an era

Dear Alex,


When you had your accident, I could not mourn fully, it never felt right, I could dip in and out, like a pendulum bearing one way and another, from grief stricken to guarding endless hope and clinging on to how things would be different in the future...Now over two years on I know that things will never be that different. I now mourn our life of old, the man you were and the person you were to me.

Oliver passing on marks the end of that era. His old energy, the energy of our past has left this new life we now strive to carve out.

He came with us here to our house called Agape, and spurred me on, a faithful companion to the end.

This is the end of an era.

And, no, I am not alright.

No, I am not my normal smiley, seeking gratitude, making jokes, confident person.

I am torn.

I am lost, so hopelessly lost without either of you beside me.

Never, ever have felt so alone.

And it is spiralling down on me like arrows have been launched from afar, spitting down on me from above, I have no shelter, I cower.

I sit next to Oliver's bed in the evenings, struggling up the stairs at 3am, staving off panic attacks because I am so scared with out his energy, his protective presence here amongst my babies.

He barked at any noise, making me secure that he was protecting us all. He slept beside me on the floor by my bed, letting me know he was guarding us.

Now no one but me guards us.

Now no one but me protects this house.

NowI am vulnerable, alone and shattered and scared and I do not know where to go with this grief at the moment.

And sorry I am not in the Christmas cheer, but for now, I feel heaviness and don't know where to turn.



me xxxxxxxxxxx