Friday, 4 October 2013

Dear Alex, 4th October 2013...Hope and Peace...

Dear Alex,

Through the elements, the turmoil of how hectic, how changeable each day can be, through it all, I love this place. This corner of the world where we are together. It is free, it is open, its horizon vast and sea mighty. The rain does not prevent me walking the dog, the air here seems so different, so fresh.

It is two years today. The fourth.

You arrived back from training, you were white as a sheet, sweating, clasping your head 'my head, my head' was all you could manage. You lie down on the bed, and cannot move...But it is not till I ignore the Dr's diagnoses (that you have a chest infection) and rush you to hospital on the morning of the 6th that they discover the blood clot. You stabilise, spend the night in Intensive Care. You are moved to the neurological ward the next day. Stable for a few days, we think it is all over. You are going to be discharged.

And then they don't listen, they don't listen to either your or my pleas, the Neurologist says another scan can wait till the morning of the 13th. Although you were deteriorating fast and terrifyingly...They just didn't listen, then you have a fit at 6am on the 13th October 2011. As the white coats blur around me, you incredibly manage to clasp my hand, bring your self 'back' you cry 'What the hell is going on?' then your eyes roll, my heart stops, and you are whisked away, and I never ever saw that you again...My heart has never beaten in the same way since...

I hear you mumble as you settle to sleep. I have my Friday night glass of wine, I have the candles lit, the washing machine doing the 12th load of the day, your sheets, more sheets, bedding, clothes, towels, and that's form last night and this morning...You have been lost to me today, after a night where you barely slept again, you cried and demanded and nothing I did was right, from 11am...right the way through. What a day for you to be so far away. The day I need you the most, but you are no longer there to comfort me through what I go through, despite my being there completely, always, for you.

The kids' classes have names, one is in 'Hope' and one in 'Peace'...My hopes and dreams for here, for you, why did you have to go through this?

Lola talks about you today as I explain the day we had this time two years ago, the day on the field, you belting the rugby ball! Trying to evoke images of how you used to be-I don't want you forgotten, the dad you were once...She says that she just sees you as two different people...

...And we carry on the school walk home, going the long way round so we can stop at the look out point- where you can see for miles, forever! And we spot the Most High's promise- a huge rainbow...

I must hold on tight to promise, to hope, clutch at it as tightly as I clutch hold of memories of the old you..

me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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