Dear Alex, Penultimate day...

Dear Alex,

Penultimate time I do this drive, pull up to the Care home, look up at your window wondering how you will be that day, with haste in my heart and my mind as I must sign in before rushing to see you, not wanting to waste a second of my precious time with you.

I'd been wondering why I felt alright? Then Friday morning I wake, thud of weight in my stomach and tears press against my eyelids. Reality of moving, doing it for you not with you, weight of responsibility on my tiny shoulders...

We couldn't be going to a more beautiful place. It's not that, it's not fear for the kids, my word, I know they will be more than fine! Their characters their independence, their love, they will not fail but make friends. I'm daunted by starting again. I can't put my finger on it...

Maybe it's starting again, but yet knowing I've accepted how different our family life will be from ow on. Months ago I was still waiting for you to 'get better' and then we would all move back to the sea...always thought you would be by my side again, making these decisions, life decisions, for the family. Then...

And then I had to suck in the truth. Not knowing what accepting it would mean to me. Thought it would break me. Only I still stood, stood up, walked on. Decided to move. Made that life decision. That we wouldn't wait anymore, maybe subliminally that puts a pressure on you, that me, the kids are waiting for you to progress more and quicker and that sudden realisation that I would have to make that decision, to not wait, but do it and make you come along for the ride! That we as a family should live our life alonsde whatever progress ou may/ may not make.

So the house is in boxes, labelled, ready to go. Our life is ready to brace this challenge, to see it through, until we settle in our house called 'Agape'...which I believe was waiting for us all along.

Three days my angel...three days till you join us there, we leave the day after tomorrow. Three days and this part of it is all over...

I love you so much Alex, I would do anything for you and our kids....

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx