Friday, 26 July 2013

Dear Alex, 'I don't understand, why me?'




Dear Alex,

'What's our new house called?' I ask you, sitting outside with the kids, a friend who stops for a while to see us all is there, I want you to tell her what it's called, but I haven't reminded you what it's called for weeks now...

'Agape'

You say this to my utter astonishment, my delight, and I shower you with kisses of wonderment! Wonder at how aware you seem, how I can see so much of you...

You keep asking for me to take you home, I keep having to explain the house move and patience, you say yo are 'p*ss*d off now, can't take any more' and I almost gawp at you, you talk like before, often, your speech clearer, slightly, your choice of words, YOUR choice...

You say something rude to me with a smirk, I say 'as if you talk to me like that Alex Wood!' And you say 'as if I can't Tamsyn Wood!'

I'm just astonished...it's like you have surfaced a bit, no, not a bit, a lot!

Ok, you have huge barriers to surmount, but you talk all most like before in your word choice, your humour, your questions.

You have said this week you wished you could talk, you wished you could write, you wished you could see...

You said earlier to me, when you ask me 'what happened, why can't I just come home?' I reply we are moving, you have but a few weeks to wait, I explain how your injury occurred, you do cry, of course you do, but you want to know, so I'm not about to hold back information from you that you asked for, then you say

'I don't understand, why me?'

Oh honey, I can't express the insane mixture of emotions, on the one hand, how can I console you, how can I possible walk you, talk you, comfort you through this?? But on the other hand, for me, I see YOU! 

YOU!

It feels like you my angel, finally, coming round...

Nearly 2 years I have waited for this moment, waited for you to ask questions such as these...demonstrating you understand and are able to communicate questions surrounding your realisation that you are not how you once used to be...

I have never heard questions from you so articulated, so precise, so heartbreaking...

Baby, I am never going to pretend I know what it is like for you, the repetitive nightmare I have must come close, although when I wake, it's over, your reality of this never is. But I love you, I love you through the stars and back again, I love you with every ounce of everything I have and I have that love to carry you back, to help you, reassure you and be with you every step of the impossible way.

I can't answer your 'I don't understand, why me?' I tell you this, I tell you I spent a long while wondering, praying over this...I don't understand why you...I can't give you the answer. All I can do is tell you that eventually, you have to say, why not me? It happens to so many. Without patronising, because I don't want to pretend it's easy to accept. But I can only reassure you that what we once had, we now have ten fold. Because our love has lived what thousands of relationships, millions even, has never been out through. And our love is stronger than ever, that I, I, am here forever and we will see it all through together...

That I don't understand why, but all I know is that I love you, and we are never going to quit.


Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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