1st July 2013
Like angel's wings, white clouds spread out, augment, with white light from the sun, breaking through the feather like clouds, reigning light down on my way home from seeing you tonight. They stretch, dome shaped over the horizon, in the direction in which I am heading. Embracing the countryside and I try and breathe peace into my troubled mind after you were so distressed at my leaving tonight...
The last week has seen you go through a day of you crying, then the next day you are tired and washed out, barely speaking, closing your eyes. But settled nonetheless.
Now, I drink lavender tea, the kids are in bed, not yet asleep. An old friend sent me through some old surfing photos of you yesterday, and I look at them as though I look at a stranger.
Have I really accepted this all now, so much so that the man you used to be is a stranger to me? Guilt hits me, and I do not understand why I look at you through eyes that do not recognise you as you were.
It's almost a feeling of being disloyal, as if I have moved on so much and at such hectic speed, that the you that was is not in my radar anymore...
And then I think, well maybe that's a good thing? That I know and have accepted you are not coming back as you once were.
But I never want to accept it, my soul will always fight acceptance. I just know with a heavy heart and a head that needs to rationalise everything, that you as you were, has gone.